Come A Little Bit Closer

[Ratchet]

Characters: Ratchet @wheeljack
Location: The Jackhammer, North of Siberia
Content Warnings: Panic attacks, schmoop, fears of pregnancy
Plot Summary: After Wheeljack's reaction to learning that he's carrying, Ratchet immediately makes his way to his current location in order to comfort him.

[Ratchet]

For many, carrying was always a happy time, but there were those that didn't react well to the news.  Ratchet had never expected that Wheeljack would have been one of those mechs.  It had all started when he received a message from the Wrecker saying he was experiencing symptoms that were all too similar to one that was carrying during the beginning of the carrying cycle.  When Ratchet checked and indeed found a newspark through imagery that he had his Conjunx take for him.. that's when Wheeljack started to panic.

At that point, Ratchet knew exactly what he needed to do.  After prepping his medkit, he plugged the coordinates he received from Wheeljack into the ground bridge and took off.  Not only did Wheeljack need the comfort, but he needed to give medicine to his love in order to keep the side effects at bay.  He needed to be able to keep his Energon down.

Once he arrived just north of Siberia, he found himself in the cold snow.  Primus, what was with him ending up in cold places all the time?  First Messatine, then not-so-green land to retrieve Pharma, and now here.  Fate was so weird..

<<"I just arrived at your location.  I should be at the Jackhammer here in a moment.  I'm almost there, so just hang tight, alright?">>

Transforming into vehicle mode, he drove until he finally located the Jackhammer, reverting back to root mode.  He let his servo graze over the paneling of the ship, letting it open up so that he could get inside.  

Once inside the ship, he set down the medical kit by the entrance and made his way over to Wheeljack.  "I'm here, Wheeljack.  I'm here."  He extended his field, filled with calmness and warmth.  Primus he hoped his presence alone would be able to calm Wheeljack down.

[Deleted]

The future had never been all that clear, but now it was completely unknown. With the arrival of the little thing attached to his spark, what counted as ‘normal life’ as they knew it would change forever. Whatever plans they might have had, whatever aspirations… He felt as if he were drowning in this sudden uncertainty and anxiety in knowing everything would change.

One of his hands splayed across his chestplates. Underneath his digits, the new little life that had come into being likely whirled away next to his own spark, leeching energy and drawing upon electromagnetic strength in order to fortify its own existence. ‘We made that,’ he thought to himself. ‘We made that.’

Wheeljack wasn’t sure how to feel.

As soon as he laid optics on Ratchet, Wheeljack was already moving towards him, his EM field reaching out to his Conjunx in a blind, instinctive search for simple contact. Unfortunately for him, the vertigo he’d been experiencing (absolutely the byproduct of the little bugger hitching a ride in his spark casing, for newsparks were notorious for destabilizing the balance of their carriers) hadn’t gone away, and he got barely half the way before he swayed dangerously and stumbled right into the wall.

[Ratchet]

Ratchet gave Wheeljack a worried look as his optics laid upon him.  He was clearly a mess, and was going to be in need of comfort, especially after their conversation.  Just as his Conjunx approached him, Ratchet moved closer to him as well.

When the Wrecker began to sway, Ratchet's optics widened, wasting no time in rushing forward in order to catch him if needed.  "Wheeljack!"  Thankfully he had caught himself against the wall of the ship, but it hadn't stopped the medic's immediate urge to get to him quickly.  He wrapped an arm around Wheeljack, worry slipping into his EM Field as it reached out for his love's.

"Lean on me.  I need to get you to the berth.  That way you can rest and I can get you something for the vertigo.. and to help you keep your Energon down as well."

He truly never thought anything like this would happen, especially so soon.  Perhaps it had been that foolish line of thinking that had caused this.  Regardless as to who was at fault, it didn't change the fact that Wheeljack was in desperate need of both medical assistance and comfort.  Not once would the Autobot CMO consider poking fun at him for his fears.  He trusted Wheeljack with his own, and so he would make sure Wheeljack could trust him with his when he needed to.

"I'm here..  I'm right here.  Everything is going to be alright.  I promise.  We will get through this together."

[Deleted]

His gladness in laying optics on his beloved was tempered by the guilt he felt for dragging Ratchet out into the middle of nowhere just to tend to him. The world around him felt as if it were swaying and spinning like a ship lacking inertial external dampeners, and Wheeljack shuttered his optics and willed his roiling tanks to settle. Dimly, he recalled another time when Ratchet had hauled him up after a tumble and escorted him back to his berth - but unlike last time, he went with very little protest. His doorwings were high and stiff, a sure sign of distress.

“How’s it gonna be alright?” He croaked once he’d been settled on his berth. His EM field was a paradoxical maelstrom of distress, tight and prickly and yet desperate to intermingle with Ratchet’s. “Sunshine, I- I can’t be sparked up!” He couldn’t because the odds should’ve been impossible. He couldn’t because he was frightened of what this would now mean for them.

He couldn’t because the very thought of a newspark sheltering within his spark chamber terrified him in a way he’d never been terrified before.

He felt pathetic. He’d faced down no-win scenarios and came out victorious, just as he’d battled the most fearsome Cons in the universe and bested them… and yet the mere idea of a tiny spark adjacent to his own had him quaking and venting hard. “This is- I can’t-” Though what it was and what he couldn’t do Wheeljack couldn’t quite say, for his breathing suddenly hitched and sped up, and it took him a long time to get it back under control.

“I dunno if- I dunno if I can do this. If I should do this. I mean, who in their right mind brings a kid into- into this?!” He made a dismissive gesture towards the Jackhammer around him, though the implications encompassed something much broader. “And… Who’d ever trust me with a kid?”

[Ratchet]

Slowly and carefully, Ratchet walked Wheeljack to the berth.  There was no point in rushing him over, especially if he was already dizzy as it was.  Slow and steady won the race after all, and getting him to the berth too quickly risked a purging episode on top of everything.

Once Wheeljack was seated, Ratchet sat on the berth beside him, keeping an arm wrapped around his Conjunx.  He looked to the mech worriedly as he began to vocalize his panic.  It killed the medic to see the Wrecker like this, and he knew he had to do everything within his power to comfort him.  "I.. I know.  I know how impossible it sounds, but I can show you if you need me to.  I'm not accusing you of not believing me.  This is a lot to take in.  I just want to help."

Before he could even get his datapad out, that's when Wheeljack began to hyperventilate.  His optics widened, moving his arm so that he could carefully rub Wheeljack's spinal strut.  "Shhh..  Wheeljack, focus on me.  Slow, deep breaths.  I'm right here.  I'm not going to leave you.  Just try and relax for me.  I know it doesn't seem easy given the circumstances, but I'm going to help you through this."

Thankfully.. he was able to calm himself down in order to speak more.

"I would trust you.  I already trust you with my life, and I would definitely trust you with a child of ours.  I know this wasn't how we wanted this to happen.. and neither of us want to have to let a child of ours see a world like this, but.. I promise you aren't alone."  Ratchet leaned to the side, planting a soft kiss on Wheeljack's cheek plating.  "I'm not telling you what to do.. but I will support any decision you make, especially since you're the one that's carrying."

[Deleted]

I can’t do this.

The words reverberated around his head until it became an all-encompassing maelstrom which blocked out all other thoughts. It was like a kinda tunnel vision, but a tunnel vision that was utterly deafening and left one feeling as if they were in a constant state of unbalance. Just as soon as he’d managed to get some control of it, it broke free of his tenuous control again, and he was left reeling.

“Wh-what’s wrong with me?” He choked, his voice wheezing and high-pitched. There had to be something wrong. His spark raced and his fuel pump stuttered and his processor couldn’t focus on anything other than the terror he felt of the little newspark lurking in his spark chamber. The Wrecker shuddered and swayed. “Check- check the brain. Check the fuel pump, check th-the spark.”

Focus on Ratchet. Just focus on Ratchet. Blindly, he felt for his hand, and held tight when he found it.

“I-I can’t do this,” Wheeljack whispered, “Ratchet- Ratchet, you shouldn’t trust me with a kid!” It seemed like such an irrefutable fact that he did not even bother to try and back it up with any reason why - and he would be hard pressed to find a good one if he tried, really, but his processor wasn’t thinking in rational terms at the moment. Ratchet’s words, and the implications behind them, were like a bucket of ice cold water thrown over his head. Wheeljack’s intakes hitched again at the thought of a way out, an escape route away from the overwhelming uncertainty. “Y’mean… just let it be reabsorbed?”

It would be painless. The newspark leeching his energy wouldn’t feel a thing, and wouldn’t ever have to face the pit-fragged universal mess that would be its inheritance. To bring a kid into this mess would be unfair, and the kindest thing would be to just let it be reabsorbed… and yet Wheeljack felt like an utter wretch for even thinking about it, ‘cause this kid was Ratchet’s kid and he knew how desperately Ratchet had wanted to start a family some day. And running from this… no self-respecting Wrecker ran from anything, and the fact that he’d actually thought of it made him feel cowardly.

“I-” His vocalizer cut out, and his grip on Ratchet’s hand tightened. “I-... Sunshine. I don’t. I don’t know what t’do. I don’t-...!”

[Ratchet]

Ratchet could feel Wheeljack's panic through their bond, and it only caused the medic's spark to ache more.  He never wanted to put his Conjunx through this kind of pain, and he should have been aware of the risks when they'd bonded, but.. he was so overcome with emotion then.  He wanted Wheeljack, and he wanted to stay with him for the rest of their days.  Not once did he regret their night of fun, but now that he saw how Wheeljack was dealing with carrying?  It made him wish more than anything that he could safely move the newspark to his own spark chamber.

"I will gladly check anything you want me to.  Anything to give you piece of mind.  Just tell me what you need, and I'll give it to you."

As the panic continued, he continued to rub Wheeljack's back.  He gladly let the Wrecker hold his free hand, giving it a comforting squeeze once Wheeljack had firmly grasped it.  "Shhh..  I know you don't think I should trust you with this.. but I do.  Even if you don't see it right now, I trust you."  He stopped the rubbing, leaning closer so that he could rest his helm on his lover's shoulder.  A solemn look struck his face as reabsorbing the newspark was brought up.  It wasn't something he wanted, but he knew he had to stay strong for Wheeljack's sake.

No matter what choice they made, it wasn't going to be easy.  There was no way all three would be happy with either result, but.. they could only do their best.

The medic frowned as Wheeljack gripped onto his hand tighter, his vocalizer cutting out as he tried to speak.  He turned his helm, gazing directly at his partner.  "Wheeljack.. look at me.  I desperately want this to work.  I really do, but.. we have to make what we feel is the best choice.  I know this scares you, and I don't want to lose the newspark, but.. you know.  I will love you no matter what happens.  If you chose to let this newspark be reabsorbed?  I won't hate you.  If you want to keep it?  I'll be right there with you to help.  No matter what happens.. I'll always support your decision."

Ratchet squeezed Wheeljack's hand back, looking at their intertwined digits.  "Would.. it help relax you if I sang to you?  I don't do it often but.. I thought it might help calm you down."

[Deleted]

Though he knew that this was his choice and his choice alone to make, the very idea of choosing seemed utterly overwhelming to Wheeljack in those moments. Before this, it seemed like a no brainer - he knew he never wanted to carry, and with the war still ongoing he knew that he was in no position to raise a newspark, but now… This kid was Ratchet’s, and that alone changed everything, because he wanted to give his beloved the family he so desperately wanted.

Yet, the very thought of a tiny entity lurking within his spark chamber, helpless if it were not for the energy leached from his very being… It was terrifying. He couldn’t help but feel despite Ratchet’s assurances that he wouldn’t, that his Conjunx would hate him anyways if he chose to let the little thing reabsorb. After all, why wouldn’t he?

Well. He wasn’t exactly up to making such big, life changing decisions right now, now, was he? He could barely take in a steady breath let alone make his thoughts coherent enough to turn into words.

“You… You never told me you sang,” The Wrecker croaked. His frame was still wracked by the occasional shudder, but Ratchet’s gentle hands upon his back brought Wheeljack back to the present. It was his touch and his voice that helped ground him further. “Bet yer’ a spark-breakin’ vocalist, huh?” Though he didn’t say it, it was clear by the way his EM field perked up slightly that he would like it very much if Ratchet sang.

[Ratchet]

Ratchet continued to rub Wheeljack's back, resting his helm on his shoulder while his Conjunx held his hand.  He honestly hoped that he was saying the right things to him and not making the situation worse.  This was their newspark, and he wanted to make the decision together with Wheeljack.. but at the same time the Wrecker was the one who was carrying.  Who was Ratchet to tell him what to do, even if they were Conjunx Endura?  It was Wheeljack's decision to make, and Ratchet would support him no matter what happened.

There was no way he could bring himself to hate his love now.. no matter what happened.  The medic was in too deep, and couldn't imagine going back to a life without Wheeljack.  A life without his partner for life.

"I don't sing.. not much anyway.  Very few have ever heard me do it, and.. I'd be happy to sing for you if it helps.  Why don't you rest your helm on my lap and rest?  I'm sure it will help with your vertigo."  He flushed as Wheeljack teased about his singing, chuckling softly.  "I by no means am a good singer.  It's just.. something I do when I'm sure I'm alone or I'm with someone I truly care about."

Ratchet shifted, allowing Wheeljack to get comfortable before gazing lovingly at him.  Once he was ready, he started to sing softly an older human song to his love.  "Wise men say.. only fools rush in.  But I can't help.. falling in love with you.  Shall I stay?  Would it be a sin.. if I can't help.. falling in love with you.  Like a river flows surely to the sea.  Darling so it goes.  Some things are meant to be."  Ratchet squeezed Wheeljack's hand, smiling as he continued.  "Take my hand.  Take my whole life too.  For I can't help.. falling in love with you."

[Deleted]

It said something of Wheeljack’s current state that he didn’t even try to crack a joke about Ratchet’s invitation to rest his helm on his lap, and only sank down to settle against his Conjunx’s leg. His spinal strut was at a weird angle, and some of the wires in his neck weren’t exactly going to thank him for what he was doing to them now, but… to his surprise, he had never felt safer in his life.

Wheeljack let the sound of Ratchet’s voice lull him, and focused on the cerulean optics that gazed down upon him so lovingly. His spark clenched - how could he ever think about reabsorbing the little sprocket sheltered within his spark chamber when his Conjunx loved him so deeply? ‘I don’t wanna ever hurt you,’ he thought to himself, ‘I ain’t ever gonna hurt you’.

He swallowed hard, and squeezed Ratchet’s hand. Later. He’d make his decision later. For now, though, this crisis could be put on pause, because everything would be alright now that his Sunshine was here.

Slowly, slowly, the turmoil in his spark began to subside, and the tension in the Wrecker’s frame and EM field began to fade. “You been holdin’ out on me, Sunshine. Dunno what you mean when you say y’ain’t a good singer, ‘cause there ain’t anythin’ that sounded so perfect,” he mumbled, tugging Ratchet’s hand close so he could press his lips against his knuckles. “... ‘M sorry fer this… freakout. Y’don’t deserve this. I just-”

How exactly could he explain the fear in his spark when it was so irrational? “... I’ve never been scared like this. I never thought this could happen.”

[Ratchet]

Ratchet smiled as Wheeljack rested his helm on his lap.  There was something about it that was so comforting, but little did he know that he'd actually been making Wheeljack feel just as safe as the Wrecker made him feel during their date.  The night this had all started..  The medic held his Conjunx's hand while he sang, squeezing it for comfort, but also putting a little more emphasis on the words that had flowed out of him.

"Like a river flows surely to the sea. Darling so it goes. Some things are meant to be.  Take my hand. Take my whole life too. For I can't help.. falling in love with you.  For I can't help.. falling in love with you," he repeated.  As he finished, Ratchet most certainly noticed the difference in Wheeljack's field and frame.  Much of the tension that had been there before had fled, and he was starting to calm.

"You.. really think so?  Thank you.  I may have to sing for you some more sometime."  The flush on his face only escalated, more so as his love tugged on his hand and planted a kiss against it.  Cerulean optics softened even more, brighter than ever as Wheeljack apologized for his panic.  Shaking his head, Ratchet's smile stayed just where it was.  "You have nothing to apologize for.  I'm only glad that I was able to help you calm down after your panic attack.  I know you didn't mean to worry me like that, and I forgive you.  As long as you're alright.. that's all I could ever ask for."

Mimicking the Wrecker's movements, he tugged his loves hand up to plant a soft and loving kiss onto his knuckles, one kiss per knuckle before moving up and kissing the back of Wheeljack's hand.  Ratchet let out a soft chuckle once he was done.

"It's perfectly alright to be afraid.  It's a natural reaction.. and given the chances of you getting sparked, I'm not surprised that it surprised you.  Well.. perhaps a bit more than surprise, but you at least see where I'm going.  I'll be right here beside you.  I'll help you through this no matter what.  I've had to check on carriers and newsparks before, so if you do want to keep the newspark.. if it makes you feel more comfortable I have no problem checking on the growth of the newspark.  That's.. only if you want to.  I'm not asking you to make a decision right now, and maybe some rest will help your mood as well.  I'll stay right here with you.  I'm not going anywhere.  I'll even lie down with you if you'd like."

[Deleted]

“Nah, I’m still sorry y’had t’put up with me. You shouldn’t have t’do that, just cause I have- issues. Ain’t fair t’you.” And in Wheeljack’s opinion, Ratchet truly shouldn’t have to coddle him like this - after all, was it not the Wrecker’s job to comfort him, and not the other way around? He still could not shake the lingering feeling of weakness as a result of this breakdown, as if he should have been strong enough to not panic at something so simple.

Yet, he was afraid, and though he’d very much like to pretend he wasn’t he couldn’t exactly ignore it. That alone disconcerted him, for he could face down death itself and win without fear and yet a newspark in his spark chamber sent him running. At least he could be afraid in front of Ratchet. He trusted Ratchet.

A kiss was pressed to each of his knuckles, and the sheer simplicity in the reciprocal action drew out a weak smile from Wheeljack. “Copycat,” he accused fondly.

“... I don’t wanna make a decision now,” Wheeljack mumbled into Ratchet’s leg, closing his optics and settling himself more comfortably. “But if anyone’s gonna be lookin’ at my spark, it’s gonna be you. If...If I keep the little sprocket, I’d rather it be you. I can count on one hand the number of bots that’ve seen my spark, and I can think of only one who I’d trust more’n’anyone else.”

After all, there had been only one who he had shared his spark with.

Still, even when he’d resolved to put off the decision and try not to think about it, it seemed that the mere action of trying to avoid focusing on it made him focus even more. “... I know how much y’want a sparkling. I- I wanna give you that. But…” He whispered, his optics still tightly closed. “... M’scared. I dunno how t’be a creator, or t’be a carrier. And I’m scared cause…. if I do let it reabsorb, you won’t love me anymore.”

[Ratchet]

Ratchet couldn't help but chuckle softly as Wheeljack kept finding ways to feel bad about the entire ordeal.  He stroked the side of his helm with his free hand, smiling down at his Conjunx.  "Wheeljack.. you don't have to feel that way.  I know you want to feel strong all the time, but it's perfectly alright and normal to let your guard down sometimes.  To.. be upset or afraid.  That's what makes us who we are, so don't deny that.  Believe me, I love that you put that front up for me, but.. we're in this together.  I want to help you just as you always help me."

It was plain as day how much this had effected Wheeljack, and Ratchet was going to do his best to make everything right again.  He knew that there was only so much he could do, but even assisting a little bit was worth that effort.

The medic rolled his optics playfully as he was called out on his mimicked movements.  "I at least got you to smile a little, didn't I?  I would say that it was a success in that case."

It didn't take much effort to Ratchet to figure out just how much Wheeljack had been thinking about this newspark.  He wanted to keep it, and he wanted to keep it for the elder mech's sake.  Yet at the same time he was terrified of it.  It broke his spark to hear his Conjunx speak his fears of Ratchet hating him if he chose to let the spark be absorbed.

"There is nothing, and I mean nothing.. in any world that could possibly make me hate you.  I may be sad for awhile if that's what you want to do, but I promise I will never fall out of love with you for something like that."  A softened expression took hold of him again, using his free hand to stroke the side of Wheeljack's helm.  "I'll teach you how to be a carrier if that's what you really want, and I'll do my best to help quell your fears.  When you're ready.. you can decide what it is you want to do, but for now.. why don't we rest together?"

[Deleted]

His Conjunx might have thought that this sort of fear and anxiety was normal, but Wheeljack knew better. It felt far from normal as he had ever been, and disconcertingly so. How could any of what he was feeling be normal, when he’d spent so long being strong and unshakable? It was overwhelming, knowing just how vulnerable he was right now, and for someone such as Wheeljack perhaps his fear was justified. And yet - Ratchet’s very presence helped bring him calm. It helped to have his beloved here with him, holding him and reassuring him.

Ratchet’s hand stroked the side of his helm, and the Wrecker drank in the contact like a starving mech drank in energon; he’d never really thought he’d be any degree of touch-starved given his aversion to being around other bots, but Ratchet always brought out things in him he’d never really known about himself. He leaned into the touch with a shaky but contented sigh, and even more tension began to leach out of his frame.

“I don’t want y’t’be sad, though, Sunshine,” Wheeljack mumbled into Ratchet’s thigh, avoiding eye contact in his shame. “I don’t want y’t’ever be sad again, and especially not cause of me.” It baffled him how his Conjunx could be so sure that nothing could make him hate him, and despite the assurances Ratchet uttered to him, he still felt as if the hard decisions ahead would bring sparkbreak to them both somehow.

The choice didn’t have to be now, though, and merely hearing the words from his beloved helped to set his mind at ease. “Restin’ … Restin’ sounds good,” he agreed, squeezing Ratchet’s hand again. He was quiet for a while, enjoying the simple intimacy that their contact brought, before he asked, “... D’you really think I can do this? Be a carrier to the little sprocket in here?” Personally, Wheeljack didn’t think he could, but maybe… maybe with Ratchet’s help, he could. Maybe this didn’t have to end in sparkbreak after all. Maybe he could do this.

“So much would change,” he mused. “I ain’t gonna be allowed t’go raid the mines anymore, will I? Or be on my own. I doubt a sparked up mech’d be allowed off base much less in the line of danger.” The thought of being cooped up made him want to pre-emptively smack his head against a wall, but his desire not to make Ratchet sad trumped even his individualistic streak. It would be downright irresponsible of him, though, not to stay on base until the kid was strong enough to be put into a protoform. “Yer gonna have t’keep me busy, Doc. Don’t wanna drive you crazy too.”

It was a special sort of irony that he’d resolved to wait to make his choice - and yet, in his spark, he already knew the decision had been made.