Falling Inside the Black

[Ratchet]

Characters: Ratchet, @wheeljack
Location: Ratchet's Quarters
Content Warnings: Panic Attacks, Mentions of Kidnapping and Torture
Plot Summary: Having been rescued from the Nemesis, Ratchet now needs time to recover, but there's someone he needs more than ever in order to even start putting things back together.

[Ratchet]

Ratchet had been in a horrible state when he was brought back to the Autobot base.  He was exhausted and in immediate need of Energon, but more than that.. he suffered emotionally.  He never worried for himself while he was held prisoner, but rather for those he loved and cared about.  To lose Pharma the way he did left a devastating impact on the Autobot medic.

He'd been unconscious when brought back and even when he received medical treatment.  He dreamt that First Aid had helped heal him, but.. was it just that?  A dream?

Eventually he was brought to his quarters where he could rest in a more quiet location where others wouldn't bother him.  He continued to dream, flashing back to everything that had transpired on the Nemesis.  Shockwave.. Tarn.. Kaon.. Losing Pharma.

Ratchet's optics snapped open, wide and much brighter than they had been when Wheeljack and Pharma had found him.  His vents were heavy as he shook, looking around.  Still not completely alert, he wasn't even aware of where he was.  Was he back in the holding cell?  Had they been recaptured..?  Had.. it all been a dream, and he was never rescued to begin with?

His panic only grew, not quite yet realizing he was home and in his own quarters.

[Deleted]

Wheeljack slowly eased closer with energon from the dispenser. "Ratchet. Ratchet." His voice was softspoken. "It's me, Wheeljack." He rumbled softly. "You're in your quarters." He was trying to ground Ratchet as best he possibly could.

He would try to get in Ratchet's view as best as possible, venting heavily. Though exhausted, the sparklet still had time, and it seemed it was more concerned with how its sire was feeling than getting out just yet. Wheeljack was at least relieved for that. He loved the bitlet but he needed time for Ratchet to rest, to calm.

"Would you like to talk, Ratch? I mean, ya don't have to but yeah."

[Ratchet]

Ratchet began to relax a little once he heard Wheeljack's voice, but even then he was still shaken.  How could he not be given everything he had been through?  His vents slowed, but were still considerable harder than they should have been.  "Wheeljack.."

He looked to his Conjunx, just staring at him for the longest time as he tried to calm back down.  With the way they were forced to leave, Ratchet didn't even have much of a chance to just take in the feeling of Wheeljack being there.  That wasn't even considering just how dark it was on the ship.  This was the first time in five months he had really gotten a good look at his Wrecker, optics misting as he continued to look at him.

At the invitation to talk, Ratchet was far too overwhelmed to know what to talk about.  He stayed silent, too many questions on his mind until the finally spilled out.  "What.. what happened..?  The last thing I remember is.. escaping from Kaon and the Pet..  How long have I been out?"  The medic gripped onto the berth tightly.  "...Where's Pharma?"  He knew Pharma had been captured.. but maybe he had been rescued while he was unconscious.  Certainly he was safe.. right?

[Deleted]

Wheeljack's servo reached out to try to stroke Ratchet's shoulder. He swallowed softly and tried to keep a calm expression while glancing toward his conjunx endura. No, he felt he needed to do more, pulling him close and hugging him tenderly. "Ratchet."

He'd missed Ratchet. He'd been worried about Ratchet. He almost obsessively wanted to stay by Ratchet himself, afraid it had almost been a dream. He pursed his lips and vented softly. This wasn't a dream. Ratchet was really here. Ratchet was really alive. He still felt bad that Pharma had sacrificed so much but he knew, deep down, that Pharma had chosen to let himself be captured for Ratchet's sake.

"Pharma and I had to bust onto the Nemesis to rescue you. Had to fight our way through and get you out of there." He drew a deep vent. "You've been out for around a day." How to answer the rest? That was the big answer. "He...he's aboard the Nemesis. He...he was captured. We didn't have a chance to go back and get him. I..." He choked up at the thought.

But there would have been no way to save them both, right?

"I'm sorry, Ratchet. I...I know how much he means to you."

[Ratchet]

Immediately when Wheeljack wrapped his arms around him, Ratchet wrapped his own arms around his Conjunx as tightly as he could.  He rested his helm against the Wrecker's shoulder, just taking in the comfort.  It was so hard to believe he was home, especially after five months.  The room barely even felt like his own quarters, and more like the holding cell he'd been trapped in.  The only reason it felt more like home was that his love was there, holding him close.

And Ratchet didn't want to let go.

His optics widened as Wheeljack spoke to him, answering all of his burning questions.  He'd been out for a day?!  Maybe it shouldn't have been as much of a surprise considering he was so horribly exhausted and dangerously underfueled, but what stung most was his answer about Pharma.  It felt like a vibro blade right through the spark to hear that Pharma was still on the Nemesis.  "No.."  He grip Wheeljack lessened as tears threatened to spill over.

"I.. I have to do something..  He needs me too.."  Ratchet tried to get out of Wheeljack's hold, but didn't have the strength to get out, much less stand.  He still needed rest.  Once he finally realized this, his arms fell to their sides as he leaned against his Conjunx Endura.

"I'm so sorry..  If I hadn't been so weak.. he'd be home.."

[Deleted]

Wheeljack would not stray far, holding close to Ratchet and taking in his scent softly. It had been something he had missed, the faint scents that his chemoreceptors logged as definitively Ratchet. Too, he had missed the pressure of Ratchet against him, holding close enough for their sparks to thrum.

"I'm...so sorry." His voice dropped softly, though never to a whisper. Never a whisper.

"Ratchet, what can you do when you can barely stand? What can I do? I was there and I had just as much a hand in it. And we don't know if it was his choice or not. You don't know if he chose to stay for your sake."

[Ratchet]

Ratchet felt absolutely horrible for what had happened to Pharma.  He should've been able to do something for him, but in the end he could do nothing.  If he'd only been stronger.  If he'd only found some way to escape successfully..  So many thoughts ran through his processor, and it took Wheeljack's words to help snap him out of it.

He looked back up to Wheeljack, realization plain as day in his optics.  Could Pharma really have sacrificed himself to save the three of them?  "I.. I never thought.."  Sighing softly, he rested himself against his Conjunx.  "I just.. hope that he's alright.  That we can get him back quickly.."

A soft groan escaping from him, he was beginning to realize just how hungry he was getting.  Maybe it had been from the underfueling, but there was only so much they could put into him while he was unconscious, right?  "You don't.. have any Energon on you, do you?  I hate to have to ask you to get some, but.. I'm fairly certain staying in berth is the best option for me right now.  I couldn't even fight my way out of your arms."  Without even realizing it, Ratchet began to weakly chuckle.  "It's.. funny.  I remember having to take care of you while you were injured.  I guess now you get to return the favor."

[Deleted]

"I hope so too. Because you deserve to know. You deserve to know it's not your fault. Only he can tell us whose choice it was." His optics seemed to be a soft, sad hue of blue for a moment, but only just.

He then rumbled. "I brought some over, Ratch. I knew you needed it and I wasn't gonna come to you without it." He would then chuckle at the realization. "Damn right I do. And I intend to take care of you until you're back to wellness. And beyond."

He would carefully put the cube to Ratchet's lips. "Slowly. Give your tanks time to acclimate."

[Ratchet]

Wheeljack's words were just enough to help Ratchet feel better about the situation.. even just a little.  Pharma would be rescued, hopefully sooner rather than later.  He didn't know if he could bare another five months separated from his adopted sire, but for now.. he had to focus on what he did have.  He had Wheeljack and their little one.  He had Optimus..

It hurt him to think that he didn't know who all he could trust after what had happened with Jazz.

At least his Conjunx had thought ahead to bring some Energon with him.  Ratchet relaxed a little more as the Wrecker grabbed the cube for him, holding it up to his lips.  He really did take comfort in the fact that Wheeljack would help him through all of this, just as he'd done for Wheeljack some time back.  "Thank you so much.  I.. need that."

Ratchet began to take a few slow sips of Energon, taking a short pause before trying to drink some more of it.  It wasn't until roughly halfway into the cube that he began to feel sick to his tank.  Cringing, he raised a servo and pushed the cube away gently.  "I can't... I can't finish it..  Not right now..  I feel like.. I'm going to purge if I do.."

[Deleted]

Wheeljack prayed, of course, that the rescue would be sooner, rather than later. Ratchet had lost so much recently, likely even hope. Trust. The small things that, to Wheeljack, made life worth living. It hurt him to think about what Ratchet lost, and if the pinprick feelings in his chestplating were anything to talk about, the little one was pained at what its sire was going through.

"I know you do, Sunshine." He was gentle and softspoken with his words. "I'm here. I promise."

Once Ratchet pushed the cube away, he would lay it to the side quietly. It wasn't healthy to really force energon on one's systems. "It'll be there when you feel you can handle it. For now, just rest." He whispered to Ratchet gently. "I'll be right here resting with you."

[Ratchet]

Ratchet leaned against Wheeljack as the Energon cube was moved away.  He was honestly grateful that Wheeljack wasn't forcing him to drink the remainder of the cube and was going to give him the break he needed.  The last thing the medic felt like doing was purging it all right back up, and especially with his Conjunx in close proximity.

"I've rested enough.."  He'd been out for almost a day, hadn't he?  Maybe it was just his stubbornness, but between that and being held captive for five months he felt he was needed back in the medical bay as soon as possible, working just as hard as he always would if not doubly so.

Although the thought of staying in berth with the Wrecker was a wonderful one.

He stayed quiet a moment longer, just taking in the fact that he was back home.  He wasn't being forced to work for the Decepticons and work on the Synthetic Energon formula (not that the latter wouldn't have happened at the Autobot base anyway).  He could come and go as he wanted, and wouldn't be locked in a dark room for days on end without Energon or tortured or..

The more he thought about it, the more he was beginning to hate the thought he had grown used to not being able to do anything he wanted.  Now that he had that freedom again.. he honestly had no idea what to do with it.

"Surely I'm needed in the medical bay.. aren't I?  I'm supposed to be caring for patients and trying to.. figure out the formula for the Synth-En..  I want to stay in berth with you, but.."

[Deleted]

Wheeljack knew better than to force it. He hadn't forced Pharma to consume either before they recovered Ratchet; that would only make them sicker. He pressed into Ratchet quietly and nuzzled him softly.

"Sunshine, I know you want to get back to duty, but pain needs time to heal." He didn't just mean physical pain. He knew the mental pains that Ratchet had to be going through. The torture, the threats, the loss...

"Not when you're not at your best. Take it from me." Wheeljack gave a wry smile. "Rookies can hold down the fort just as well. But if you really must, I'd like to be there to keep an optic on you. So that if you're about to collapse or somethin', I can help you."

He wasn't going to force Ratchet to stay, but he wasn't thrilled with the thought of Ratchet trying to get back to the Med-Bay in his condition. In fact, he sometimes figured that a little reverse psychology could work; after all, it worked on him and he was stubborn as hell!

[Ratchet]

Ratchet wasn't at all surprised at Wheeljack's words.  He knew time was needed in order to heal both his physical and mental wounds.  It was just that he wasn't used to having this kind of break anymore.  He hadn't had a break on the Nemesis during the whole time he was held captive, not counting when he was left in the dark unknowing of what would happen next.. or when someone would even be coming to either torture him or force him to work on the Synth-En.

But it was Wheeljack's next words that caught the medic by surprise.  He wasn't going to stop him.. provided he could go with him..?  "Wheeljack, I.. I can't let you do that.  You're carrying, and close to separation if I'm correct..  You can't strain yourself like that.."  The medic sighed a bit, looking down.  "I'll.. stay here then."

Ratchet pressed himself closer against his Conjunx, letting his optics shutter closed for a moment.  "I'm sorry..  It's not that I want to go back to work.  It's that I feel I have to.. that I'm not being given a choice.  The whole time I was on the Nemesis, I didn't have as much as a second to just breathe..  Five months of that, and.. I'm not used to having that time again.  It hurts to say it, but it's true..  It feels wrong to not be in the medical bay, checking up on a patient or working on the Synth-En..  Even when I was locked in that holding cell for days..  Even when I was being tortured for trying to escape or.."

The medic began to shake, optics tearing as he re-opened them.  He could feel the panic welling up once more.  "I feel like.. there's something wrong with me.."

[Deleted]

Wheeljack knew too well that Ratchet needed time to heal It worried him what had happened aboard the Nemesis. No rest. Pure exhaustion physically, mentally, and emotionally.

"Alright, Sunshine. Wanna nestle against me? It's okay if you don't. You can...read things over if you want..." He gave a soft coo. He wasn't afraid to let Ratchet do what he needed to while resting.

He murmured. "War does that...ruins your schedule...makes you have to be turned onto work all the time." He then vented and gave a horrified quiet noise. "It's them that should be considered the ones with something wrong." He rumbled. "You're still traumatized from the torture..." He held to Ratchet with worry.