Looking For Answers

[Ratchet]

Ratchet shook his helm, trying to find the right words.  What could he say to try and convince Pharma otherwise?  It wasn't about the perfection.  It wasn't about mistakes he made in the past..  It wouldn't be east to get Pharma to see it, but.. he had to try.  Even just a little.

"Pharma... Papa.  Listen to me.  You may think yourself a monster for what you did.  You may think you're imperfect.  You may even think your irredeemable, but you know what..?  That's not you.  Not to me or Wheeljack or even the little ones.  You're my adopted sire.  You were there for me when I felt most alone.  You taught me everything you knew.  You're the best sire or carrier Sagitta and I could ever ask for, and the best Grandpa in Nightshade and Strongarm's optics.  The best in-law..  You are so much more than your mistakes..  You may not see it, but.. know that we do."  Ratchet sighed, shaking a little as emotions got to him.

"I won't tell anyone about this..  I promised I wouldn't and.. I meant that.  If.. if it ever came to that.. it's not happening without me having my say.  I know you better than anyone and.. Optimus would listen to me.  He would at least hear my side of the story before.. passing judgement.."

Even Ratchet had to be slightly impressed by the Red Rust, but only for one reason: a tactic to defeat Tarn.  It was a smart move, really, but.. what of the others.  Just how contagious was Red Rust?  Did others suffer from it?  It had clearly failed to kill Tarn, but.. Pharma had to have been desperate.

"That.. sounds horrific.  I.. won't ask anymore.  I just.. hope you feel a little better getting it out of your chassis..  Spilling that all to me.  I promise it's safe with me.  This won't leave this room.."

[Deleted]

"No one should see that kind of good in me. I killed people that I should have been saving." Tears trailed down his face. "I'm an omen of death wherever I go."

He held himself. "Maybe Optimus. But there's others. There's high command. If Ambulon or First Aid came...they'd tell. I know they would. They had their suspicions. They've always had their suspicions of it. It's lucky that one's got a malfunctioning cog, and the other's altmode sucks."

He shook again, closing his optics. "It is. I don't even know how effective the vaccine was on me..."

[Ratchet]

"You're not.."

Ratchet didn't know how to make him see that he wasn't this 'bringer of death' that he seemed to think he was.  Maybe he just couldn't, but he wanted to do everything he could..  If only he could truly experience things from Pharma's perspective..  If he'd made that deal with Tarn..  Would that have changed the way he felt about things?

"I'm sorry... I... I wish there were more I could do.  A part of me was afraid of having this conversation with you because.. I thought it would hurt you.  I.. I never imagined it would.. make you feel this way.  I know you'd tell me I couldn't have known, but.. I want to help you.  That's why.. I've been doing everything I could to help you trust others.. I still do.  I want them to see you the same way I do.  Not the 'monster' who was forced into doing bad.. but the mech who loves unconditionally.."

Even a few tears welled up in the younger medic's optics.

"I.. hope the vaccine was.  If.. if not then.. I promise to help make one that is, or.. at least eases the symptoms or.. corrects the problems."  Ratchet let his optics close, attempting to rub Pharma's back.

"Please.. just.. just know that we still love you."

[Deleted]

Pharma shook, clutching to his helm, his optics pinned and desperate, his expression torn between tearful despair and maddened laughter personified without the sound. His vents snapped shut for a moment. "They know I'm a monster. No one's going to see the me that you see once it gets out. If it hasn't already. They all hate me. I know they do..." His optics were still welled with tears of despair, but his mouth had a crooked, maddened grin. "They always have."

He then shook. "I'm afraid to transform. Afraid if I do I'll trigger it...and die. You know?" His expression still seemed to have that maddened grin.

"HOW CAN YOU LOVE A MADMECH?!"

[Ratchet]

Ratchet flinched..

He was beginning to regret ever asking Pharma about Delphi.  It wasn't that he was mad at Pharma.  On the contrary.  Ratchet was angry with himself.  He absolutely hated seeing Pharma like this, and it hurt him so deeply.  No matter what he tried, he felt that he was only making the situation worse.

And poor sleeping Sagitta was caught in the middle of it.  How she slept through it all.. he'd never know.

"Because.. you're everything to me..  Just.. just like I said..  You.. were there when I felt loneliest..  You've helped me through everything..  I.. I just want to be able to help you when.. you need me..  Just like you.. do right now.."  The medic shook, trying to keep his emotions under control.  "I can't throw that all away.. Never..  No matter what you do.. no matter what you say.. nothing could make me hate you.."

A choked noise escaped from Ratchet before the tears finally began to flow.

"I don't want to lose you..!  Not again.."

[Deleted]

"I feel like a lost cause..." He gave an eerie smile for a moment. His expression was not helping matters at the moment. He still seemed off kilter and mad now. His mind was in a loop of fear and guilt.

"...Ratchet, I've lost myself." His expression became a more austere one. It wasn't a voice, but a rumble of his engine that would greet the two in the room finally. He didn't know what else to say.

He was lost. He felt...lost.

[Ratchet]

Ratchet couldn’t bring himself to look into Pharma’s optics immediately.  He hated it when others saw him this emotional.  It was something that Pharma hadn’t judged him for in the past, and hadn’t bragged about to others.. but now?  He wasn’t even sure with the older medic’s mental state.

After all of that, and the look on his face when Ratchet dared to finally look up.. how could Pharma have stayed sane..?  Was everything up until now.. just a mask?

”How long... have you felt this way..?”  How did Ratchet never catch the signs?

”Please... please stay with me..  Let me.. help you find your way back..  It’s the least I can do to.. pay you back for everything you’ve done for me.  Even if the road is long.. I want to walk it with you.. and I’m certain the rest of our small family would say the same.  I just.. want to see you happy again.”

[Deleted]

If it was a mask, Pharma had tried hard to become the mask rather than let his sanity slip. He was suddenly venting heavily, almost heaving with his vents. The crazed smile gave way to the a crushed look before soft wailing. His face buried into Ratchet with the quiet wailing. He was trying not to scream with his wailing.

"I've felt this way for so long...ever since...ever since that desperate day I took that deal." His voice shook when he finally spoke.

The wailing gave way to quiet sobbing. "I'm so scared...I'm so, so scared. You've seen what I've become...I don't even understand how anyone can still want to be around me. I tried so hard to become the mask...to put on a brave smile and face this world. But Tarn's deal...and then...what Kaon did...the unforgivable..." In his emotional state, he finally admitted what had happened to him on the Nemesis. Vaguely, but he had admitted it.

[Ratchet]

”Papa..”

He has been putting up this front for this long..  Ratchet felt horrible that he hadn’t caught on to just how miserable Pharma had felt.  It broke is spark knowing this now, but there wasn’t much he could do about it now.  Now.. all he could do was try and piece the seeker’s spirit back together one piece at a time.

The slip of Pharma’s glossa regarding Kaon hadn’t gone unnoticed.  Was he.. Sagitta’s sire?  Ratchet wasn’t about to ask; Pharma had been through enough for one night.  He had had his suspicions that it had been one of the DJD, and now he knew for certain..

Fragging Kaon..

He shushed His adopted sire in a comforting manner, holding him close.  “It’s alright..  It’s alright.  You don’t have to say anymore.  Just.. try and breathe..  For me?  I’m not going anywhere.  I’m staying at your side not just because I choose to be.. but I want to be.  I want to help so that one day you may not even need the mask anymore..  I swear your secret is safe.  No one will ever pry it from me.  The Decepticons couldn’t get me to say Wheeljack was my Conjunx or that he was carrying.. or even the location of the base no matter how badly they tortured me.. I’m even keeping secrets for others that they don’t want anyone else to know.  I guess you could say... I’m a good secret keeper.”

[Deleted]

His venting finally slowed and his frame went slack. He was intensely quiet for a moment, even the sobbing having stopped. It seemed almost like the lull of a storm. After all, he could go cackling mad at any moment, right?

But he didn't. His optics slowly drifted their gaze toward Ratchet. Tears still formed at the edges but he was too exhausted to release them. He settled against the younger medic, venting heavily. Young and sometimes too kind for his own good. But Ratchet made a good point. He was a good secret keeper indeed.

He gently tried to grip Ratchet's hands and place them over Ratchet's own mouth gently. "Let us never speak of this again."

[Ratchet]

Thank Primus..

It was all Ratchet could think as Pharma began to calm.  Perhaps it had simply from over-exhausting himself, but he was relaxing all the same.  Ratchet stayed quiet, partially because he didn’t want to stir things further.  He kept his hold on Pharma for a bit longer, taking in the quiet.

The moment he let go, he suddenly felt Pharma take his servos into his own.  He had been somewhat confused as the seeker began to move his servos, covering Ratchet’s mouth.  Did.. he not want him to talk?  No.. just to not mention this again.  Don’t bring Delphi or Red Rust up anymore.. or at least Pharma’s experiences.

But what of the good times while they lasted on Messatine..?

Ratchet didn’t move Pharma’s servos away, nor his own.  He looked into his adopted sire’s optics before settling for a simple nod and a slightly muffled sound of agreement.

[Deleted]

"Let the secrets be secret." His optics softened. It seemed some of the Pharma he knew was returning. "You've...been so good to me." He would let the hands fall away now, his optics having a dull hue of exhaustion.

He was slowly starting to slump into Ratchet. "Let the secrets be buried in the snows of Messatine...and let the good...let the good shine through."

He was trying, slowly, to come back to himself. He didn't need to mask the emotions at the moment. This time it was the raw, unadulterated self. Still traumatized and sad. But recovering. Slowly recovering. Now he had someone to help him walk the road to getting back to who he used to be.

He nestled into Ratchet's chest finally, half-murmuring and half-singing. "Gotta let it fall down to build it back up again...sometimes you gotta go a little crazy...to find your way back home."

[Ratchet]

Ratchet smiled sadly as he kept his hands exactly how Pharma positioned them, only moving them away once Pharma was ready for him to.  He’d keep this vow to Pharma, and no one would be able to break that except for the seeker himself.  He wouldn’t speak of the bad to anyone, no matter how much they pried, no matter how much he was tortured.  The secrets would die with him..

He kept silent, listening as Pharma continued to speak.  He was happy to at least know that the good memories wouldn’t trigger the bad ones.

As Pharma leaned back into him, half singing, Ratchet wrapped his arms back around his adopted sire.  He seemed so exhausted, but even so.. he was able to form such beautiful words.  He really was coming back from it all now.  Returning to the mech he knew and cared about.

”You look tired..  Do you want me to stay here for the night with you and Sagitta?  I can comm Wheeljack and let him know that you aren’t feeling well and just need someone to help make you feel better.”  It wasn’t exactly lying.  Pharma really didn’t feel tremendously well, and Ratchet wanted to be there to support him.

Besides, Sagitta couldn’t be taken care of properly with Pharma in this condition.

[Deleted]

He had a sad smile. His burden had become Ratchet's burden to bear as well. He prayed that the burdens, the sorrows, would never become Ratchet's own.

"Yes...please." He gave a tired look up into Ratchet's optics. He then cast a tired gaze to Sagitta. This was all for her. He had to let himself understand. All for her.

He seemed to shift, his optics closing tightly. Crying had drained him tremendously, and despite the constant nagging in the back of this mind, he knew, he knew that he needed the rest.

[Ratchet]

Ratchet was more than happy to share that burden.  It meant that it wasn't Pharma's pain to deal with all alone, and he'd always have someone he could talk to that wouldn't judge him.  Of course.. that didn't mean that Ratchet excused the actions; they'd been wrong.  He understood what drove Pharma to take such a drastic action.  The circumstances had been unfortunate and there was nothing different Pharma could have done.  What mattered to Ratchet was that Pharma knew he had done bad.. and that he wanted to atone for it.

If only everyone else would give him a chance to..  That's why Ratchet tried so hard to help Pharma to be able to trust, and now he was having to start from scratch once more.

"Here.. let me help you."  Ratchet shifted so that he could help his adopted sire to lie down on the berth.  He reached for the nearest blanket, draping it over him.  "I'll stay with you.  You just relax and get comfortable.  Rest as long as you need to.  I can help take care of Sagitta if she wakes up before you do.  Can always ask someone to fill my shift in the morning if I needed."  He smiled softly, looking over to his little sister.  She really had been the light in this dark moment..

Ratchet commed Wheeljack, letting him know that he'd be keeping an optic on Pharma for the night.  He hated that he couldn't tell him the full truth, but it wasn't worth damaging his adopted sire.

Slipping down towards the floor, Ratchet leaned his back against the berth so that he could stay close to the elder medic in case he was needed.  With everything that had come out tonight, he honestly didn't know if he'd be able to recharge.  Knowing what Tarn and Kaon had put Pharma through and the stress he had endured just during their conversation..  The only thing he could pray for was that no one else found out what happened at Delphi, and even if they did.. Ratchet was prepared to plead Pharma's case.