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Characters:Ratchet, @pharma Location: Pharma’s quarters Content Warnings: Panic Attacks, possible mentions of death Plot Summary: For the longest time, Ratchet has been wanting to know what happened to Pharma at Delphi, but never wanted to ask. Now that both have recovered after the events on the Nemesis and Pharma’s no longer carrying.. Ratchet feels the time is finally right to ask what he’s wanted to know.
Ratchet had so many questions on his mind, especially after his encounter with Tarn. He knew that something had happened at Delphi, but never asked Pharma about it. He knew the topic deeply upset him and he didn’t want to create any additional stress for him. His adopted sire already had enough trouble trusting others, and he didn’t want to make matters worse. Especially with the events on the Nemesis and carrying Sagitta, that little extra stress was far too dangerous to his and Sagitta’s health.
Now that that time had passed and he was recovering.. Ratchet felt it was finally time. He’d keep anything he asked between the both of them. He wouldn’t tell anyone else about it, except for possibly Wheeljack. He knew he could trust his Conjunx, and he was fairly certain Pharma did too.
Although it was late, the medic wanted to wait until the little ones were fast asleep. He approached Pharma’s quarters, knocking on the door lightly. “Pharma..? It’s me.”
Pharma looked bleary and tired, his expression drawn and tired. "Ratchet. Come in." A bit of paint seemed to flake at the tip of his wings, though he was coming back to health slowly but surely. His optics seemed a dimmed shade of blue, rimmed with a faint hint of indigo.
He would open the door slowly, letting Ratchet in, glancing around before he closed it of. Something in him was glad that Sagitta was fast asleep, but at the same time, he envied his own child, able to rest.
"What is it?" He had a gnawing feeling that he knew what it was, but he wanted to hope against hope about it. Delphi wasn't something he took lightly.
Ratchet did not like the sight of Pharma when he entered the room. He looked so tired and exhausted.. It was enough to actually make Ratchet reconsider asking what he'd wanted to ask. If there was ever a good time this would be it, but..
Would Pharma even be up for it?
Ratchet let the door close before speaking, looking to the seeker with concern. "I.. just wanted to check in on you. See how you were holding up." If there was anything, he knew not to begin the conversation with Delphi. He needed to be sure his adopted sire was even up to talking first. Just asking how he was doing would be the best way to judge his physical and mental status. "Especially with.. what happened with Prowl and one of his kids." The medic looked over to Sagitta's resting form, a soft smile forming.
It wasn't enough to keep that look of concern away, however.
"There's.. something I've been wanting to ask you, but.. I hadn't found the right time. I didn't want to upset you and.. I can only assume you probably can guess what it is I wanted to ask." Ratchet grimaced a bit, looking down. "I promise I'm not asking to hurt you. I just... after everything that's happened these last several months, with.. the DJD being here.. You don't have to tell me if you aren't comfortable. I'll respect your wishes, and I promise that if you do want to talk about it.. I won't tell anyone you don't want me to. It'll stay between us. I care about you too much to do something like that to you."
"I can't sleep to be honest. I'm scared that she'll be next, and it'll be her sire that steals her from me." He murmured. "I don't trust him."
His tanks gnawed a pit within him. This didn't bode well. This was probably the question he was dreading. He would have to be honest and he was sure that Tarn had brought it up to Ratchet at some point. "This stays between us. Not even Wheeljack. I trust him. I care about him. I don't want him hearing ANY of this."
He swallowed hard, his intake dry and his vocalizer seemingly tight.
"I promise I'll do everything in my power to keep it from happening again. I won't let anyone take Sagitta, Nightshade, or any of the other sparklings away." Ratchet didn't know who Sagitta's sire was, but he refused to ask.. even more than the question he'd wanted to ask now. He didn't want to bring that up, and didn't want to put Pharma through that again. In fact, that was one of the things he admired about his adopted sire. Pharma did so much to prevent anyone from finding figuring out the identity of the sire. In the end.. it didn't matter who it was to Ratchet.
At the end of the day.. Sagitta was still his sister. Just like how Pharma was still going to be his Papa no matter what his secrets about Delphi were.
The medic froze momentarily at Pharma's words. Not even Wheeljack.. "I.. I can do that. If this gets to be too much for you, please.. just tell me. I won't question or think any less of you for it." He held out his servo, looking back to Pharma. "Why don't we.. sit down? I'll.. even hold your servo the entire time if it helps ground you any. Just know that.. no matter what you tell me, I could never hate you. No matter how bad it is. You've been there for me. You've done so much for me that I could never forget any of that."
Pharma was glad for that. "Thank Primus. Because I'd try to do my best, but..." He remembered his best wasn't quite good enough. His best had still gotten Ratchet captured by the Decepticons.
He slowly sat, shuddering when he got into place. "What do you want to know first?" His vocalizer was softspoken, his optics looking as though indigo edged strongly into them.
Ratchet frowned, knowing exactly what Pharma was getting at. He must have felt horrible when Jazz had kidnapped him. He'd been there! However, it wasn't something Ratchet had ever blamed him for. There was no way to predict what would have happened, and with the Requiem Blaster in Jazz's hands.. there was only so much that his adopted sire could have done to begin with. He tried.. That was more than Ratchet could have asked for.
Wordlessly, he placed a servo on Pharma's shoulder in order to try and bring comfort.
They both sat down together, the medic taking the seeker's servo into his own as promised. At the question.. he had to think on his answer.
"I... mostly just want to know what happened, even if only an abridged version. I know Jazz had mentioned something about Delphi, but.. I didn't know what he had been referring to." Ratchet's vents hitched at the next words to come to mind. "When.. I was held captive.. Tarn stopped by. We talked, and.. he'd wanted to know if I was happy.. to name those who meant most to me.. because 'someone was still betraying me' as he put it. I didn't believe him.. and I refused to do so in order to keep those I care about safe. That's.."
Ratchet paused, looking away. "That's.. when he brought you up. I don't even know how he knew about our relation.. He'd said that.. he'd struck a deal with you.. that they'd leave Delphi alone in exchange for.. something. He never said what. He tried to strike a similar deal with me, but.. I rejected him and.. I almost offlined for it. That's what happened to my chevron if.. you were wondering." Squeezing Pharma's servo, Ratchet continued. "I.. didn't believe him. I didn't believe a word he told me, but those words have been haunting me since. I just.. didn't want to ask you when you escaped and while you were carrying. You'd.. been through enough. I didn't want to stress you further and risk harming you or.. worse.."
Pharma, however, had blamed himself. Anything that wasn't perfect on his part was just another sign that maybe his best wasn't enough. Maybe he wasn't strong enough. Or smart enough. Or even a good enough medic.
"...transformation cogs. He has a very specific addiction; he's gone through hundreds, maybe even thousand of transformation cogs in his lifetime." Pharma vented and shivered slightly. "At first, it was just those patients who, despite my best efforts, had died on the ward. But then demand increased." His optics edged with red for a moment. "I started having to decide who would live and who would die. Sometimes, if they were still desperately clinging to life, I...I helped them ease that grip."
He shivered and closed his optics. As the demand increased, my desperation mounted. I had to find a way to get out of Delphi. And I had to find a way to try to target him too." He swallowed. This was going to be the harder part to explain, in all honesty.
Ratchet's optics widened, feeling a cold chill within his system.
Transformation cogs.. That's... what Tarn had wanted. The thought alone made him feel sick, but he would power through it. Pharma needed this badly.
He continued to listen to Pharma's story, stunned to hear what Tarn had put him through. It was bad enough that he was asking for transformation cogs, but he had to increase the demands.. If he didn't, then.. Delphi would have fallen. Was it worth that risk? What more could Pharma have done to escape a nightmare such as this.
"They had you harvest transformation cogs... Oh Papa.." Ratchet let go of Pharma's servo, but not to run away. Instead he wrapped his arms around the seeker, pulling him a little closer. "I can't even imagine.. Why didn't you call for help..? I know why you didn't contact me, but.. you could've closed Delphi, or requested a transfer, or.."
The words didn't feel right. "Was... there no other way? Were.. they preventing you from requesting help by any other means? Primus, how did you even escape from them..!"
Pharma held tight to himself. "If I called for help, they threatened to shoot down any ship that came to Delphi. Closing wasn't an option either. They would have come and leveled Delphi still. Requesting a transfer would have been worse. Having to admit I couldn't handle it...? That I'd failed?" He clutched his helm and shakily vented. "And running away wasn't an option either. First Aid and Ambulon..." He gave a muffled noise. "My Primus, what have I done?"
He then tensed. "The ship I came in, it was a stolen supply ship. The mechs aboard...I think they contracted it too...the trap I intended for Tarn..."
Ratchet had a hard time staying calm for Pharma's sake. He wasn't angry, but.. to have gone to such an extreme. Would he have been the same way if he had been trapped in the same situation..? So many patients, all of which would have died if Pharma hadn't made that deal and yet.. doomed all the same. There was no escape. There was no calling for help.
"He really did trap you.. Tarn was wrong about that. He said.. you'd done it all willingly, but.. the way I see it he forced your hand. You had no other choice. No other means of escape. With communication cut off.. Delphi was doomed.." Ratchet pulled Pharma into an even tighter hug, resting his forehelm against Pharma's shoulder, both to mask his own emotions and to attempt to bring comfort.
"While... it may have been extreme, I think.. in a way you did the best you could. Between being killed directly by the DJD.. in the most brutal ways possible.. you offered a way out, albeit silently. You mercy killed.. so they wouldn't have to suffer the alternative. If... if it had been me as a patient, and I felt there had been no other way and I was in bad shape.. I would have wanted that. For you to.. end things peacefully as they could have been."
However, there was something else Pharma had been trying to say. When he'd escaped.. he had set something up for Tarn..? A trap.. "What.. sort of trap was it? It's alright if you don't want to tell me. I won't force you to, and I promise never to ask if you don't want to tell me."
"Let me guess. He tried to twist it that I had a choice." His voice seemed to go dull and quiet. "All because I was foolish and prideful. Because I always feel I have to be...perfect." He pressed into Ratchet, his optics fully indigo at the moment.
"Some of them begged the opposite." He whimpered. "That they wanted to die with dignity and glory. But even so I...I didn't give them their wish, now did I? I gave them pity instead...pity and despair."
He clenched his digits tightly. "Tell me, have you heard of Red Rust?"
"He... he did." Ratchet grimaced, holding close to Pharma.
"It's.. it's not your fault. It's not your fault that Tarn did this to you.. forced you into his dirty work with no other means of escape. The only one to blame.. is that monster for what he did." Ratchet had refused to believe Tarn's words, and it stung to learn that it had all been true. That Pharma had done this, but.. Ratchet couldn't find it in him to hate his adopted sire for what he had done. He'd made a mistake.. even if it had been costly.
"Everyone makes mistakes, Pharma... Everyone does. No one is perfect. What matters is that we try to learn from them. That.. we try to make up for them. While.. it may not have been the right thing to do, I.. believe your spark really was in the right place. I know you've been trying to better yourself since then. You're just.. trying to atone for what happened."
He blinked at the mech's next words. Red Rust..?
"I.. can't say that I've heard of it." Just what was this Red Rust..?
"I can't say I'd be surprised. I'd almost predict it at this point. He's got the silver-glossa of Liege Maximo practically." His optics were dimmed.
His vents seemed to tighten for a moment. His frame was slumping. "He turned me into a monster. A terrible, awful monster." His optics closed tightly. "It's only a matter of time. Before high command figures out what I did. Before I get branded as a traitor and stripped of my badge."
He clutched his helm and shivered. "It's not enough to better myself. I have. To be. Perfect!" His optics looked desperate and depressed.
He then looked down. "An artificial virus, an echo laced with a virus, dispersed by a sound-bomb. Its trigger is transformation." He vented and shivered. "When one transforms, the coolants, the dispersants, and the anti-rusting agents all mix and you start 'rusting' from within. It's wet and it's nasty."
"And I want you to admit, I want you to very much admit, that you're a tiny bit impressed." Pharma gave a sick sneer.
Pharma's optics widened and he vented heavily, swallowing.
Last Edit: Aug 17, 2018 0:43:59 GMT by Deleted
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altria : please dont be dead?
Jun 14, 2023 22:40:34 GMT
Partia: Is this still alive?
Dec 17, 2022 6:02:02 GMT
Partia: Is this still alive?
Dec 17, 2022 6:01:34 GMT
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