Admissions of Grief

[Rodimus]

Characters: Rodimus, @stepper
Location: Autobot Outpost Omega-1 - Control Room
Content Warnings: mentions of guilt/grief, mentions of kidnapping, mentions of violence
Plot Summary: Having led the Decepticon forces straight to the Autobot away mission, Rodimus feels he must assuage the feelings of guilt that Stepper has been expressing.

[Rodimus]

It was with heavy footfalls that Rodimus approached Stepper. It wasn't often that he acted in the manor that he was about to. Admitting defeat - admitting to anything really - was out of character for him. It was bound to be a difficult conversation, and Roddy knew that there was like to be some sort of reactionary violence. He was used to that with his missteps, and it wasn't something that would hurt his feelings.

"Hey, Stepper, can we talk? It's kind of important," Rodimus greeted, the hint of turmoil on his face.

[Deleted]

"Why? It's just going to end up the same. 'Stepper, you're the load, you endangered the team again, maybe you should consider a dishonorable discharge, hm?'" There was a bitter sort of acrid note to his tone, not at all his usual cheerful and chipper demeanor. "But fine. Fine. Let's talk. Let's talk."

The younger mech's features seemed to tell the story of what had happened to him over the past several months. Creases in the metal beneath his optics of sleepless nights. The reek of energy-boosters on his breath to get through shifts on duty. Even faint trails of evaporated lubricant where he had spent so many nights worrying, crying, blaming himself.

Thin digits gripped to the datapad in his hands. He'd been considering sending fake transfer orders for some time, but he had never quite gotten the courage to do so. He didn't even have transfer order to get here in the first place!

[Rodimus]

Roddy's face contorted in sadness, and the guilt weighed heavy within him once more. It was like an anchor placed into his very spark, and it was something he had been allowing Stepper to carry the weight of. It was something he was guilty of many times over. He had allowed Drift to take the fall for him before, and here he was not learning from his mistakes all over again.

He sighed, shaking his head. "I can't blame you, Stepper, because it's my fault we got caught. I told Megatron where we'd be and when," he stated bluntly. He didn't think to elaborate further - Megatron was a friend to him. "I didn't think it would escalate to what it did, and I'm sorry that you've been blaming yourself. I'm sorry if anyone else has been blaming you too. I didn't mean for that to happen."

[Deleted]

A fire seemed to burn in Stepper's optics, giving his visor an eerie and almost discomfiting glint; little pieces of text seemed to dart across his visor. Warnings? Admonishments? His own thoughts given form? It wasn't clear with the size of the text and the speed it whizzed across the visor.

"Certainly no one ever bothered to stop it. I think they halfway believed it was because I screwed something up. No surprise. Dull surprise at best." His voice seemed quiet at first before the datapad cracked against the ground.

"You. You told him. You sold us out. I can't believe this. I thought it was because I was too weak but you were off chit-chatting and blowing kisses to Megatron!" He seemed to start pacing, his servos gesticulating wildly. "I've been hating myself, telling myself that I'm not even fit to ever be on missions because I'll just endanger others." His voice seemed to be at a normal level for a moment, albeit with faint cracks.

More he paced like a caged animal, his venting rate raising with his spark rate and the amount of pacing he was doing. "You let me believe that it was my fault for months! Do you know what that does? The nightmares I've had? The sleepless nights where I tried to create fake transfer orders on my datapad, only to erase it and tell myself I was being stupid?!"

His voice cracked when it raised. He then flinched and looked down.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled."

[Rodimus]

Rodimus nodded to each word that Stepper yelled at him. He deserved to be yelled at. He deserved whatever Stepper decided to do. When the datapad hit the floor, Roddy was surprised it hadn't been launched in his direction. He'd have deserved that too. He's impressed at how well the other seems to keep it together - even despite the yelling and pacing. Rodimus knows that if he'd been on the receiving end of this news he'd never have held it together this nicely.

"I understand you're angry, and I understand that you blame me. I deserve the blame, and I should have spoken up sooner but I-" he cuts himself off for a moment. How deep is he willing to go with this explanation? "I was afraid, okay? I'm new to the Earth team, and...I think something's wrong with my memory data. I didn't think Megatron would do that to me. I didn't think he was still... like that. I know it doesn't make much sense, and it certainly doesn't excuse me not speaking up."

He takes a moment to collect his thoughts. "I should have told Optimus right away. I should have found you sooner, and I'm so, so sorry that I didn't. I understand if you can't forgive me, because... frag I wouldn't forgive me! I don't deserve that." A heavy sigh escapes his vents, and he visibly deflates as he tries to put words to his thoughts.

Denta bite heavily into glossa for a moment, and he speaks again. "It was never my intention to put the burden on you, and if I could take it back, I would. I wasn't...blowing kisses to Megatron. I was trying to reach out to a familiar face, because back on the Lost Light, he was a member of my crew. I should have known something was wrong when he said he didn't know who I was..but some part of me thought he was just... joking the way he always does with me. It was just wishful, and frankly stupid, thinking."