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Characters: Breakdown, @knockout Location: Med-bay of the Nemesis Content Warnings: N/A Plot Summary: It's just Breakdown and Knock Out in the med-bay, and there's nothing much to do but talk, even if there's one big thing that Breakdown doesn't want to talk about.
Broad hands had just put the bigger tools up high; that was what Knock Out had asked him to do, right? He couldn't remember the checklist like the back of his own hand--then again, how had that scratch gotten on the back of Breakdown's hand anyway? Oh, right. Probably when he dropped that whole box of freshly-sharpened scalpels. Oops. Wait, they were freshly-sharpened, right? Oops.
It had gotten a lot more difficult to see things when he still didn't know how he'd ended up without one optic, the eyepatch covering up an empty socket where his optic had disappeared at some point. And that included seeing the list of things he needed to do, let alone half the things he was trying to put away. Then again, his depth perception wasn't what it used to be either. Not that he hoped Knock Out would notice. That'd just beg too many questions that he really didn't want to talk about.
"Oh! Knock Out, need anything else put up or taken down while I'm thinkin' about it? I mean, I know you got a few, ah, things to be doing after a bit." In his mind he seemed to add like buffing yourself until I stare awkwardly at my reflection in the mirror-like shine. Oops. Maybe that thought was a little extreme but Knock Out always did end up shiny afterward.
Maybe he could even be the one to buff Knock Out. He was pretty good at reaching those tough spots. And he really enjoyed doing that too. Sometimes he liked to get a little shined up too. Maybe he could even convince Knock Out to do that in some of the tough spots one of these days. Sure, he'd probably get scuffed up soon after but sometimes Breakdown liked being pampered too...
Breakdown was absolutely… terrible. Every time he come to help, he destroy stuff. Yes, have only one optic was probably a problem, but at this point… ? The doctor didn't think so. Yet he couldn't say nothing, and this for two reasons: First, BD is his friend. Second, Knock Out is his doctor, so if a solution have to be found it's by him, and as he does not have one… He just moan little, containing his anger, but he can't do nothing else. Poor big buy. One day, he will found a perfect eyes for you! But for now…
Today, the red bot was back of him, working on some personal projects like… A formula to be even more shining? No... He has already done that. No, today he was working on something to help his partner. He was annoyed to see Breakdown always break everything except in fight. He's less competent now. This was for the big guy, but for the little one too. Without his friend to protect him, he takes more blows. This displeases him! Continuing his work, he waved a hand toward him without looking back. He rarely be as focused. He was not even sure that BD had broken. Maybe he will come to see what he does?
- No, not now. I'm working on something… “Important”.
To not say “I'm working on something to help you because you're my friend but it's a surprise so leave me alone for now.” … However, what he did was broken for the 6th time today. He grunted with rage, catch his creation, and sent it against the wall beside him. You had to guess that it was an optic, but at least it was round. Maybe Breakdown will guess it and would be affected by this? Or totally not. This huge guy don't understand anything easily from that Knock' say.
- GUH!
Then he turned back to his work surface and put his fits violently on it. He was rarely angry, but he was very tense today. He himself did not know why.
- … I am the worst doctor in the galaxy.
Ok, his proves he's not going to be well at all. Knock Out denigrate himself? Impossible. Yes, he did not feel competent enough to do that. He had never had his medical diploma after all, so how could he succeed? (But yeah, no one know that, even Breakdown, because if the other know that, everyone will flee the med'bay.)
Okay, maybe Breakdown was naturally clumsy just because he was as big as any Wrecker. And at one point he had been one. He'd been one, and then grown disillusioned. And when he grew disillusioned, he left the Wreckers, and the Autobots, altogether. But who could blame him? He hated the command. He hated the comrades. And above all? He really hated how he was treated like he was some second-string fighter compared to someone like Bulkhead. Mister Average Bulk Bot himself. Ugh. Breakdown was much more extraordinary than that roly-poly wrecking ball.
He seemed to glance to Knock Out, carefully trying to put things back on the shelf after another clatter. Sometimes he wished he had stayed kind of small like he'd been before the war. But would he have been able to do anything for anyone if he were small? Breakdown wasn't so sure. He just knew that sometimes being a big guy could be a real pain in the aft. It made him a liability in the one thing he actually liked doing other than trying to be sort of the Vehicon commander of sorts. It was frustrating, and a little discouraging to keep on breaking things when he didn't want to break them. Or knock them off the shelf when he really didn't want to knock them off the shelf. Though being an optic down certainly wasn't helping.
"Gotcha, doc." He rumbled. Fair enough, Knock Out didn't need him to get anything down or put anything away. That just meant he needed to keep those hammy hammer hands away from things that were much more breakable.
However, he flinched when he heard Knock Out growl in frustration, and tried to get down a little closer to the red medic. He himself really didn't have much qualification for anything himself. He wasn't even supposed to be a medical assistant, or a command staff member. It's not like he went to some fancy military school or medical school or anything.
"Uh...Doc Knock? You...you're not. I've seen worse. Remember that fella named Hook?" He was trying to offer reassurance as best he could. But he didn't quite know the situation, to be honest. And maybe that was just causing him to butt in at a bad time...
Sad and angry at the same time, it was obvious that the doctor controlled his emotions with difficulty. All this shiny paintjob, all this work to get beautiful, it was only to hide his frustration. No, its frustrations. They are so many. He was little, he no longer flies, he can not go outside to speed, he is weak, it feels ... incapable. Everyday. Yes, he can fix a lot a thing, do certain things that no one Decepticon can do on this ship but… He wasn't a warrior like the other. He envied Breakdown sometimes. Even if he breaks everything and had only one optic now, he is strong.
He was again sitting face to his work surface, but he put his head in his hands, trying to calm himself. The most frustrating was that he wanted to help his friend, but he can't.
- I don't care about this “Hook”.
He said aggressively. He rarely be in such a state. It was probably the detail that made him crack. He clenched his teeth. He did not pour his anger on his friend. He should not. He had no right to do this. Yet, at conversely, some words out of his mouth too quickly.
- I care about you! I'm not even able to make a stupid optic to help my friend!
He remained angry few seconds, and then he realized what he just said. Oops, he spoke too much! Yes, they was together almost all the time, but they never call the other “friend”. It's wasn't horrible. It was ... strange, or weird. It wasn't really describable. Yet the red robot felt like a weight had fallen from his shoulders. Maybe he just needed to talk?
After a short silence he coughed into his hand, back to Breakdown.
- Ahem. I mean… You need an eye for fighting. It's my job.
He said with the air of wanting to take back what he had said. His head sank into his shoulders. Without realizing it, he was just very embarrassed! Knock Out does not like to talk about his feelings, especially that his feelings for the huge guy are often question the true nature of their relationship. Yes he was a friend, but when he's here… The doctor had other friends before the war, but he never had appreciated someone like this! Maybe he was just like a best friend?
Breakdown himself was a bit sad, a bit worried, and even a bit scared. He'd never seen Knock Out in a state like this. It wasn't the Knock Out he was used to, who managed to put on a bright face in the darkest moments. It must have been difficult to keep up that facade; Breakdown was sure of that as sure as he was that his large hammy hands weren't made for fine and delicate procedures. They were made for pounding things into the ground, or holding down an unruly patient so Knock Out could attend to the more pressing injuries. And sometimes, sometimes he'd been known to smash the frame back down when told to do so.
"Gotcha. Just saying...you're not the worst." Breakdown seemed to glance down to his oversized pedes, then to Knock Out. Damn, sometimes he felt so awkward not knowing what to say to the medic!
"It's not your fault, Knock Out. Everyone hogs all the resources and then there's not much left over for an optic and...and it happens. This war ain't exactly easy on us." He held to himself lightly for a moment. Or, rather, he clutched his hands around his forearms, giving that same worried, uneasy gaze with his unwavering single optic. "It's...it's the thought that counts...a-ah..." He wanted to say "friend" so dearly. "It's the thought that counts, friend. Knock Out." Even though it wasn't allowed, he wasn't going to be ashamed of it. Knock Out was a TRUE FRIEND. The kind of bot with which Breakdown would be willing to take the Oath of Constancy and become Amica Endura officially, come hell, high water, or Megatron's wrath.
He then rumbled. How to put it? "I know I do. But I've been getting on well with one optic. You don't have to rush on my account, Knock Out. I know you'll have it ready when you have all the parts you need."
Unlike Knock Out, Breakdown refused to let himself be ashamed. He'd had friends before the war--even if they weren't always the best friends for a bot like him who had been rather isolated, anxious, and paranoid of others at times. Knock Out, he was the change in Breakdown's life. He was the one who had broken through that fear, made sure Breakdown wouldn't be paranoid of him. Earned Breakdown's trust and undying devotion. And that devotion was almost like undying...no. No, that was a silly notion, wasn't it? Love was silly. That was what Autobots had. Not Decepticons.
Knock out sighed. He wanted so much to help his friend. He saw that his BD had difficulties and was unable to help. It was a terribly unpleasant feeling. He went another victim. That's probably why the Decepticons refused to have feelings for anyone: The losses were too difficult. Maybe they were finally more sentimental than the Autobots? How ironic. He stared at his desk as someone terribly unhappy.
- I… I know Breakdown, but… the true is... even with the necessary parts, I can't make you an optic … The problem is… I'm not good enough to do it.
He felt depressed. Why ? Not because he could not make that eye, it did not matter. He was angry because the time Break' was alone in danger, he could not come and help. Megatron had refused, and never Soundwave would open a portal without permission. That was the problem. The worst was when Breakdown confessed that he was his friend, it had only worsen everything. It was now said to another, and so had suddenly felt much closer. It was now even more painful.
- I'm so sorry…
He put his elbows on the table and put his head in his hands. What could he do to be forgiven? Because yes, it was just that. However, his friend did not seemed angry, but KO felt guilty. Back to him, he did not know what to do. He now felt stupid to react like this, but it was too late now!
- Starscream is right. I'm just incompetent… Grumpf. Stupid Starscream.
Ah! If he insults, is that he felt already a little better. The doctor put a hand on his table, and the other went down into his neck. Something had to get his attention. Something front of him. A sample with a label. It meant nothing to him.
- … Is that you who had put this here?
The advantage with him is that to make him think of something else is simple and fast. Knock Out is a very dissipated. Except ... He caught ... and broke it his hand. What was he doing?
- Watch Breakdown. Your "friend" is incompetent. He knows just how break things… Haha… We are truly made for each other, right?… I mean… To break things.
Then he dropped his head on the table, depressing again. This will pass! Tomorrow will be better! ... Probably. He left a little silence and then have a question. Something rather intimate, in fact.
Breakdown himself could feel a sadness welling in the pit of his spark. Or possibly in the pit of his intake tanks. He wasn't sure which, probably both even. He hated that there had been no way to fix him, not to mention that Megatron had been willing to leave him in danger after a mission and call it a "punishment" for "failure". How was it a "failure" when he had been winning just before whatever happened? All he knew was that he had a greater distaste for humans than he already had. He was sure that humans had been involved in how he lost his optic but he had no proof.
"Wh-what are ya saying, Knock Out? That...no one taught you? Or when someone taught you...it was tough to learn?"
He wondered if maybe it was something that could even be taught. And if it could be taught, would he ever even have the hands to make something to mend something of Knock Out's one day? He hoped. He seriously hoped. Primus, he just wanted to hug Knock Out at this moment but he didn't, not without permission. Honestly, if he knew how much guilt Knock Out was feeling, he would have asked if maybe, just maybe, it was Knock Out who hadn't forgiven himself. Because Breakdown had forgiven him; he hadn't forgiven Megatron or Soundwave for their hands in his situation. For their hands in preventing anyone from helping Breakdown. Except maybe one of the few that wasn't aboard the Nemesis at the time.
"What does Starscream know? He's the one getting himself into scrapes and scraps and thinking he's hot stuff. He's just trying to make you insecure 'cause he is!"
If Decepticons dared to cry, Breakdown would have been crying. But since he wasn't the kind of bot to cry, he kind of snickered when he heard Knock Out insult Starscream. That made both of them feel better, if anything. It was kind of a comforting thing in a strange way.
"Y-yeah. I put that sample there. I was tryin' to reach something up near it and I didn't wanna knock it off."
He winced when he saw it break in Knock Out's hand. At least it was a sample from a Vehicon, and not Synth En or Dark Energon. That would have been a pain.
"You are, yeah. And the best Amica Endura to ever be able to break other bots' faces with."
The worst torture is not being able to help those we love. “Love” was a huge word to describe the relationship between these two, because they did not realize how big they are for each other. The times where Break lost his eye is may be what show them that they greatly appreciate to be together. How many the count. How many they… love, each other.
Knock Out could not see the condition of his friend because he back to him. He could not see that he too was sad. But about what? His optic? Or because his friend felt so bad? Probably both. How explain now? How explain to Breakdown that he will be one-eyed all his life now? It was terrible for everyday! He can't see correctly, He can not fight as well as before… He was handicapped now.
- … No. No one taught me. I've never had my doctor's diploma, remember. I was a student when the war began.
He said, as if he no longer felt any emotion. He felt empty. Useless. All he could do now it was probably a cane, like for blind humans. So pathetic. Yes, that was it. He felt pathetic. Yet, he was the doctor a complete ship. Almost alone! It was more work than what had surely the Autobot doctor. Starscream? He criticize all the time, but the second in command is like that with everyone anyway. That was true. He do this just because he is insecure. If it was not seeking to take Decepticon's leadership all the time, maybe he would not need to be like this?
When he heard the confirmation he was well his Amica Endura, Knock Out was more or less surprised. No because he is his friend, but because he had confessed. It was to say things like this on the ship and when you are a Decepticon. The back of the doctor became tense. He did not know why, but he felt stressed and suddenly very embarrassed. It was not bad just… surprising. He sighed… again.
- Breakdown, you know that it must remain secret? This is frowned upon and others cou-- …
He turned as he spoke, and finally saw the face of his friend, decomposed. He finally realized he was not the only one suffering. BD too, was suffering. Terribly apparently. He remained mouth half open, unable to finish his sentence. He was like frozen. He realized he had made a mistake. Maybe he would not say of all this? He did not wanted that his friend felt so bad.
- I…
What to say? It was like receiving a stab. His friend and made him very unhappy too. The best solution might be to do as if nothing had happened? He does all the time that! Maybe it will work this time too? It has had to be sarcastic again.
- … You don't want a hug, isn't it?
Do not tempt the devil. He'll want a hug now. For real! And you will not have the choice doctor, because you're officially his friend now!
- … Breakdown, do not put yourself in this condition for so little! … Everything is okay, now. I… feel better.
He gave an embarrassed smile. It was hard to tell, but the presence and her friend's words were important. He could not help, but he would accept it more easily now. He will find another way to make his life easier.
It was killing Breakdown that there wasn't much of a way he could help Knock Out. He knew nothing about medicine other than the basic first-aid and sample gathering techniques that Knock Out taught him. He appreciated the time he spent learning, however. It made him realize there was more to life than just trying to bust someone's faceplate with a hammer.
Truly, it was because Breakdown felt terrible. He didn't want Knock Out to have to see how much it was hurting, didn't want Knock Out to have to feel obligated to try to make it better. It wasn't something one could make better with a snap of the finger.
"I remember. Sucks that...you had to rush from school to the front lines to use what little you had learned."
Breakdown hated that Starscream would start in on them. Breakdown tried so hard to help Knock Out where he could. He was getting to where he needed to stay off the front-lines more often, let the Vehicons do the fighting. And yet he would at least command them and commend them. They needed to know they were doing the best that all of them could do. And he was willing to do that because there was a mech who believed in him too.
He knew Knock Out believed in him, really. And Knock Out was probably the only one. That was what had gotten Breakdown to trust Knock Out, once and for all. He could feel a tension in Knock Out's electromagnetic field; they both had mutual tension in their field.
"I know. It doesn't leave this room. I know the others would exploit it."
His own expression seemed to show that he was unable to hold all of his emotions in. It was quite tiring to do so. He was trying to hold back his worry, his sadness. But he couldn't hold it back.
He swallowed some of his mouth lubricants nervously. His frame was still somewhat tense. He wanted to hug Knock Out. But he didn't want Knock Out to feel bad about it.
"I...don't think that would bring you much comfort even if it's supposed to be a comforting gesture."
He didn't want to make Knock Out feel uncomfortable. But he wanted to make Knock Out feel better. He really wanted Knock Out to know that he was there for him in some way.
"You're welcome. Amica Endura." He held out a hand to shake hands tight.
Hide this type of secret wasn't simple. Generally, once it's official, the Cybertronian have a friendly behavior with their amica endura. Other presupposes that they are closer, and often go to extremes. The Decepticon, to laugh, do not hesitate to say “conjux endurae” and not “amica endura”. This puts uncomfortable all the targeted Decepticon. Knock Out remembers a loving couple of vehicon. They have suffered so much mockery that one of the two had committed a murder, and the second made attempts to suicide… To not mention Megatron who did not appreciate it. He always say that love is for the weak. For Autobots… But he probably himself like few bots… Soundwave may be?
The doctor did not like hugs. He found it not manly… and it could damage his paint. (Everything can but it doesn't matter.) But given the state of his friend, he was ready to make an exception. He did not know if that would please his friend. He had no idea. But it probably would not he? For red robot, a hug was not much. It was just terribly embarrassing because it reveals too much sentiment. KO had nearly lost his friend. Be too much attached to BD could be disastrous if it happened something to him. He did not realize it yet, but it was already too late for this. Breakdown already count.
Knock looked at his hand. A handshake? Now they are friends? That sounded… weird, no? He grimaced, as if he found it odd. Then he looked at his amica and put his hands on his hips. He seemed amused now.
- You're officially my friend now. Handshakes ... it's too distant now, you see.
He stood up in his chair and approached. He took the hand and arm Breakdown, and replaced it along Break's body. It was weird like action, but the doctor had an idea in mind. He felt really better now. See his friend stressed amused him. He looked like a beaten puppy who need of affection! Knock Out always wanted to seem stronger that the big one. Now that it wasn't sad anymore, that old habit came back.
- Come one, don't make this face. You looks like what humans call a "teddy bear". A big nice bear. … Soooo… I suppose that I can make an exception for this time.
He came then put his arms around him for a hug. He even patted her back. That was comforting. The doctor realized for the first time: Have his friend in his arms made him feel much better. He as here, with him, and they protect each other! ... But luckily the door was locked. Imagine someone come here right now! There was no camera in the infirmary. He hate to be observed during his work, so he removed them himself. All this will remain a secret!
- There, there. Everything is okay… You feel better now? … We… We would have had to talk about all of this a long time ago.
To say it was difficult to hid an amica around the Decepticons was an understatement. However, Breakdown knew it was possible to be publically friendly and make it look like a team effort. But deep down he knew if he lost Knock Out, he had lost someone he had even more loyalty to than Megatron. A loyalty born of trust rather than fear. Surely Megatron couldn't tell the difference, right?
Breakdown let the handshake end up pulling into a hug. He kind of needed this more than anything else. He just hadn't wanted to scratch Knock Out's paint. But he could make it worth Knock Out's while afterward. After all, Knock Out did trust him to buff out scuffs and scratches with that ridiculously pink buffer. Now, normally Breakdown would have had a joke about an object like that but he knew it was about how good the buffer felt, not what the buffer looked like. It was apparently a fancy newer model that had just been developed before the war. Or after the war in some neutral colony. Whichever.
"I like that exception, Knock Out. And I'll make it up to ya with a good buff job with your favorite wax." He couldn't help but give a big, cheerful look. It made him feel good too. It felt good just to be able to hold Knock Out close, keep him safe in some strange way. At least, that was what he wanted to say. That hugs were a way of keeping others safe.
"Feels a lot better, Knock Out." He sighed with relief. "It feels a lot better to have had that talk. To have hugged ya...to know where we stand with one another."
The true was sometime something very difficult to say, even if it's a good thing. Be nice, caring for others and protect was banished in this ship. Do theses things would be like… Be an Autobot. Be the enemy. Be… something else. You can't be different. You're a soldier and for many of them, only a number. You're not better than the other. You're the worst like everyone. You don't matter. So why is it finally banned? Because the others are just jealous. That's all.
Give a hug to his friend was something very new. Breakdown was the first one to have it from the doctor. So Why do this? By instinct… and because human's movie show it and it look nice? Yes, Knock out was a big fan of movies. The little creature from this planet are just like insect for him, but… They have great things too! Like, yes, movies, but also music, or vehicles. Everything on this planet is just new. Why don't try everything?
He pats the back of his friend, listening. Suddently, he winced. Something just make him react. “To know where we stand with one another”… Yes, now they was amica endura but… Something was missing. Without knowing why he didn't feel satisfied. But what? He finally let go Break', seeming embarrassed. He looked away, trying to hide it.
- Oh… Y-Yeah me too.
He rubs his arm, seeming in thought. It was an unusual reaction from him. After a few seconds he looked at him seriously and made him a flick on the nose. (Or at least to where he could have one.) There was something to clarify. Something important !
- Breakdown… Why are you my friend?
The question was most like: "I am unbearable. So why am I nice for you?”. Yes, after all, Knock Out is imbued with himself and live only for himself (and Breakdown, of course). The question could also be asked to him. Why, KO, you like BD? You only like yourself! Why you worry about him?
Shoutbox
Please respect the space and don't hesitate to ask questions!
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