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The shaking had gotten worse rather than better, at which point he had to realize what was wrong with him. He was completely overwhelmed, his processors unable to deal with this very personal matter going any further than it already had. And with the newspark to consider he didn't want to stress himself out more trying to push through his issues. Still, he did make a rumbling sound at his partner. He wasn't against the contact, not yet anyway, but it was still too much for him to go further. A kiss was fine, kissing was good actually. Nothing else, not right now.
He had to stop the other from going any further, giving a shake of his head to say he was done. He understood that the physical side of a relationship was a healthy progression to something, but he was not in a place to deal with that level of intimacy. Not yet at any rate.
"My processors are trying to crash on me. Please Jazz, no more right now." His systems were still taxed from just how stressed he'd been over the newspark and what the implications of its conception, adding this on top of it wasn't going over well. "I'm trying." He offered, rubbing his helm to his partners. No, he wasn't yet willing to let Jazz lead him further, he couldn't even admit to wanting more of a relationship with the other mech. Perhaps that was one of the major hurdles facing them right now.
"A'ight." Being told no was all that Jazz needed. The touchy mech stopped everything at that moment, from the touches to the affection. It would be brief, but he needed that 'quiet time' in order to reset himself so that he didn't get frustrated over all of this. Yes, it was like hitting a brick wall- and wow, did it feel like he struck every wall in the building over and over again- but he had to respect Prowl's decision to stop.
When Prowl nuzzled his helm to Jazz's own he didn't return the action. He just stood there, slightly turning his helm so that he wasn't staring at the other. He just looked elsewhere. At everything, but nothing at the same time. He didn't want to give himself the false impression that something more would come of this.
Finally Jazz moved, though it was to roll his shoulder away from Prowl and turned in a gesture to try and free himself from Prowl's grasp. If Prowl didn't want to be physical it was just better for him to not touch him considering how different the two of them were. Physical touch just did something to him, especially when it came from his partner. Perhaps it was the touch as well as the singing from his spark that drove him into a level of madness that he just didn't want to face right now. Not when it put Prowl and the newspark at risk.
"D... please don't touch me right now, Prowl." He turned his back to the tactician and held onto the railing with both servos. All of his vents were open and he hunched forward slightly. He felt such a heavy weight in his chassis that he thought for sure he was about to lose everything that hadn't already been converted into useful energy.
He let him go, put his hands palm towards Jazz and took a full step back. He respected Jazz too much to touch him when he didn't want him to. He was worried about the other though, and paced in a circle around him. "I'm sorry." His hands were hovering, he realized, and forced them down. "I don't want to hurt you Jazz. Never that."
Prowl really didn't understand, other than to know that he was doing more harm than good. He wanted to be close to the other, to enjoy his company and be able to just bask in the fact that Jazz was there for him. That they could be together and everything be alright. He just wasn't in a place where the more intimate actions of a pair were something he could accept. Not yet. He wondered if it was something he could work up to, but didn't know.
The newspark chose that moment to chirp loudly, reaching out over the bond to soothe first Prowl and then, to a lesser extent, Jazz. The pair were its creators, through some twist of fate that the pair was unaware of as of yet. But it knew and wanted them to be happy, to feel better and be together. That was all it cared about.
It wasn't that he was being bitter. He was so torn that he really couldn't take what was going on. Jazz's spark hurt, and it seemed to hurt more when Prowl was so close to him. At least for now. At this time he just wanted some distance between them, and distance was not 'walk around me in circles'. Prowl had to back off. He needed to stop talking.
"Look. I'll be there for you and the newspark when ya need but... I can't take this. I- this... it hurts. A lot, man. I feel like I'm trapped in some endless tease that ain't gonna get relief from. Ya ain't ready, and I get that, and I understand. This ain't your fault. But I gotta... I need the space for the both of us." That empty feeling was back. For a while his spark felt calm and secure... safe. He felt that he was going to finally know what it was like to be complete and be over all of these attempts to find a stand in for the one mech he really wanted. Instead? There was only more loneliness, and the hit from that made him ill.
Jazz turned to leave, wanting to completely separate himself from all of this. He wasn't paying attention to even the newspark's chirp or the attempt of it to sooth Jazz's spark. The saboteur was trembling at this point, much in the same way that Prowl had, but perhaps a different reason. For him? His sensors were on fire and desperately trying to find relief, while his spark danced around in its chamber, still pulsing and calling out to Prowl's own over what should have been a bond at this point. And that hurt.
He took a few steps back at Jazz's words, hands palm out towards the spy in a helpless gesture of surrender. Doorwings were fanned out wide in alarm, not really sure what he'd done other than turn the other down for a far more intimate encounter. Was that the problem? He couldn't exactly ask Jazz about it, since he was the one involved. He felt he should say something, but hadn't Jazz told him to be quiet? Or more specifically to 'shut up', which was ruder. He didn't mind, he couldn't deal with this sort of thing on his own, but even he knew 'shut up' was rude.
Jazz needed space, and he respected that. Still, some part of him was angry with the other. All the progress he'd made, purely for his partner's approval, and this was the milestone that Jazz put his pede down on? Why did it have to be because he didn't want to get sexual with the other mech? Hadn't he been pushing himself far outside his comfort zone in an attempt to meet the other halfway? Wasn't that proof enough that he was doing his very best for Jazz?
Why did it seem like no matter how much he tried it was never enough for this mech? His spark contracted painfully and he took another step, just giving the other a bit more space. Jazz was shaking, and he wanted to comfort him, but he'd been told not to touch him.
@jazz
Shoutbox
Please respect the space and don't hesitate to ask questions!
altria : please dont be dead?
Jun 14, 2023 22:40:34 GMT
Partia: Is this still alive?
Dec 17, 2022 6:02:02 GMT
Partia: Is this still alive?
Dec 17, 2022 6:01:34 GMT
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