Here Comes a Thought

[Ratchet]

Characters: Ratchet, Optimus Prime
Location: Recreation Room
Content Warnings: N/A
Plot Summary: Whilst recovering from the traumas of his abduction, Jazz's betrayal, and Pharma's capture, Ratchet turns to his best friend for comfort and reassurance.

[Ratchet]

It had taken a lot of convincing to get Ratchet to just relax after he had been repaired, but it was for the best.  Even if he was physically better, the medic had a lot of recovery he needed to do in terms of the mental trauma.  To be subjected to one of his own worst fears and not be able to do anything about it..

It wasn't Pharma's fault.  He would have wanted to buy Wheeljack enough time to get the younger medic off the Nemesis, but that didn't ease the pain any.  Ratchet sat in the Recreation Room, staring at his datapad blankly.  He didn't want the others to know that he'd found himself going through his research again when he wasn't supposed to be, but it kept him distracted even for a moment.

He knew he couldn't rely on Wheeljack solely, or even First Aid.  They both had enough going on as it was, as did Strongarm.  He'd only contacted her to say he was alright, even though he clearly hadn't been.

It wasn't just the matter of losing Pharma that had him this overstressed.  There was far more to it than that, but who could he talk to about it?  He didn't want to feel as if he were burdening another with his troubles.

[Deleted]

Optimus knew that his friend was in despair. It was in the way he kept solely to himself. It was in the way he locked himself away from the rest, and it was distressing nonetheless to have to watch Ratchet behave in such a way. Of course, emotional exertion was expected when overcoming horrible circumstance.

It was with that in mind that the Prime approached the medic. It was with that in mind that he approached his friend. Heavy footfall accented the Prime's entrance to the room. Of course he knew Ratchet would be doing what he wasn't meant to be. He was too familiar with the way the medic coped, and he was too familiar with the fact that it wasn't healthy.

"Ratchet," his voice was calm, yet stern. "Old friend, take a break from your datapad. The research can wait."

[Ratchet]

Ratchet had been so lost in his own thoughts that he hadn't initially heard Optimus enter the room.  He stared at the datapad, but wasn't focused enough to really pay much attention to what he'd been looking at at the time.  There were too many thoughts lingering in his processor, and he needed to just talk to someone about it.  It was just a matter of willing himself to do it.

His optics widened for a second, gasping lightly as he turned to Optimus.  While startled at first, the medic relaxed when he realized who was there.

"Optimus.."  His leader and old friend wanted him to put the datapad down.  "I.."  

Ratchet sighed, looking back to the datapad for a moment as if to think harder on what he was asked to do.  After a moment he finally put the device down.  "Alright..  I'm.. sorry I've been so distant as of late, it's just..  It's been hard.  I can't even stand to stay in my own quarters unless Wheeljack's with me.  It feels like I'm back in that cell on the Nemesis when I'm alone in there.."

[Deleted]

Optimus understood fully what Ratchet was describe. The aching urge to avoid loneliness. It was very common among those who had been kept captive, and the medic wasn't used to captivity. They had taken great strides to make sure Ratchet hadn't been caught during the worst battles back on Cybertron.

The team needed their medic.

A nod followed Ratchet's words. "I understand, your feelings are not uncommon; I'm sure you know this, Ratchet," the Prime brought his hand to rest lightly on Ratchet's shoulder. "It is unhealthy to keep things pent up within, you should talk about how your feeling. If not with myself, then with someone."

[Ratchet]

Ratchet looked up to Optimus as the other's hand was gently placed on his shoulder in awe.  To have Optimus validate his feelings like he had and to ask him to speak of his troubles.. even if it wasn't to him?  It was touching.

"Optimus.. Thank you."

The medic put his hands together, lacing the digits together as he thought.  Maybe he could talk to Optimus about it all.  He was his best friend, and who better to talk to?  There was Wheeljack, but.. he already knew first hand.  With a soft sigh, he began to talk.

"There's just so much.  I don't really even know where to start.  Being trapped on that ship for five months, forced to work on the Synthetic Energon formula.. tortured by both Tarn and Kaon of the Decepticon Justice Division..  Being scared that I would lose Wheeljack, our newspark, and Pharma at the same time.. and I still lost Pharma.  And that's not even to mention.."

Ratchet paused, grimacing.

"I just.. I should have known.  There should have been some sign for me to catch that Jazz was going to betray us.  I shouldn't have let my guard down when I found him looking through sensitive material at my workstation.  No matter how you look at this, this is entirely my fault that Pharma's in the situation he is in right now.. if they haven't already killed him."

[Deleted]

Optimus allowed his friend ample time to speak his mind. It was a difficult venture for Ratchet, the Prime knew this. It was going to be difficult to surmount the horrid things that the medic had faced in the hands of the Decepticons. Nothing would likely fix it for good, it would always be there at the back of Ratchet's processor.

"Ratchet, there was simply no way to have known that Jazz was going to cross us, it is not your duty alone to keep track of who is doing what. In fact, it is not even solely mine. There are positions for a reason, and it is as simple as that. I know it will be hard to surmount this, and I know now that it may feel as though you will never move passed this."

Optimus took a moment, carefully thinking of how to move into the next portion of his speech. It was important to choose words wisely. "No matter how you spin it, I am certain that Pharma does not blame you for his postion - granted he is still of this dimension. No one here blames you for Pharma's position, nor do they blame you for Jazz's betrayal. These things happen, especially in war. There is no one to blame, except the ones who have done harm."

[Ratchet]

Ratchet closed his optics with a sigh, listening to what Optimus had to say.  Just as his friend had let him say what he needed, he gave Optimus just as much time to say what he felt needed to be said.  He was right, though.  The trauma would stick with Ratchet and would never truly leave him.  He was honestly beginning to understand how Pharma had felt when he had first come to Earth.  How terrified he had been.

"We need to get him back..  Pharma's been through enough.  He was emotionally compromised when I found him here on Earth, and.. I can't even imagine what he must be thinking or feeling right now."  Ratchet paused, looking over to Optimus.  "I don't know how long they've been here but, the Decepticon Justice Division being here on Earth can't be good.  Megatron must have been desperate if.. he called them.  But thinking of them.. there's something else that's been troubling me that I.. should consult you about."

The medic grimaced for a moment, attempting to choose his words carefully.  "Tarn.. when he was torturing me, he told me that there was another person deceiving me.  He tried to get it in my head that it was Pharma, but.. it couldn't be him.  Tarn had said.. Pharma had made a deal with him back on Messatine.. That in order to keep Delphi safe, he had to collect and deliver something to Tarn.. and that no Autobot was harmed or killed by the Decepticon Justice Division.  Pharma would never do something like that..  Not without trying to save lives.."

Ratchet glanced back down, frowning.  "After Jazz's betrayal.. and what Tarn said to me.. I.. I just don't know who to trust..  I want to trust, I'm just.. afraid, and it hurts to say that."

[Deleted]

Optimus nodded in agreement. "The Decepticon Justice Division being here can bring nothing good. It cannot be good for us, the humans, or even the Decepticon forces. I agree that Pharma needs our help, but we must also consider that there may be truth to Tarn's words."

The Prime hesitated, also trying to be careful in choosing his words. "Tarn may be a Decepticon, but he generally speaking, honest. He does not lie to harm, he uses the truth. The truth of the matter may be that there was more to Messatine than we ever gathered. If that is the case, Pharma will need to be honest in his answers when we retrieve him."

The Prime stated the word with confidence. They would retrieve Pharma, he was an Autobot, and they could not leave him in the hands of the Decepticons. "I understand that trust will be hard to come by, old friend, but do not allow Tarn to take your family from you. Trust your gut. If something feels wrong, speak up and say something."

[Ratchet]

Ratchet's optics widened at Optimus' words.  There was no reason that his friend would lie to him about anything, especially about a matter such as this.  Tarn might have actually told the truth, and Pharma might have actually made that deal with him.  He didn't even know what to think.  There had to be some explanation for all of this, and Optimus reassuring him that they would get answers when they rescued Pharma eased his mind.. even just a little.

"If.. it's true.. what will happen?  You won't.. revoke his Autobot badge, will you?  He's one of us.  He's here to help us, and.. I just can't believe that my own mentor who practically took me in, who I see as an adopted sire of sort would intentionally make a deal with Tarn with bad intentions."

At least Optimus had been understanding when it came to his troubles of trusting the others.  "Thank you.  I know that I can trust you, and I know there are a few I can trust.. such as Wheeljack.  I know.. what he did was reckless and frowned upon, but.. I can't thank him enough for getting me out of the Nemesis.  He saved my life.  If we hadn't been sparkbonded.. I don't know if he would have been as successful in finding me and getting us both out alive.. even though we couldn't save Pharma.."

[Deleted]

Optimus nodded sternly. He understood fully that his friend was afraid, and he calculated what he must say next. It was difficult to speak in the hypothetical sense; he didn't want to promise a positive outcome for Pharma, nor did he want to guarantee the medic a spot in their ranks. Circumstance was important, and if the situation proved that Pharma had cruel intent, he would have to be expelled from the Autobot forces.

"The situation with Pharma on Messatine will need to be further investigated. If Pharma was doing what he could to save himself and the other Autobots there, it can be overlooked. However, Ratchet, I think we can both agree that if he acted with intent to cause damage to us, he must be expelled from our ranks. It is dangerous to keep someone who has strayed before, especially considering the recent betrayal of Jazz to our team," the Prime spoke hesitantly. It wasn't a threat, it wasn't a promise; it was a reasoning.

"Wheeljack acted recklessly in his attempts to free you. I cannot, however, say I am ungrateful that he has brought you back to us. We desperately need your expertise, and I would never want to see you harmed by Megatron - or Tarn's - hand."

[Ratchet]

"I.."

As much as he wanted to agree with Optimus, his own best friend.. it was hard in this one particular instance.  This one circumstance made everything difficult.  Pharma was extremely important to Ratchet, and he couldn't bare the thought of losing him a third time; He couldn't even handle the second.  Pharma had given him no reason at all to believe that he was secretly working against the Autobots, but.. that's where the worry came in.  Fear and doubt flooded into his processor.  Just what if his adopted sire really did have ill intentions..?  Ratchet squeezed his optics shut, grimacing as he bowed his helm.

"I.. understand, Optimus."

He'd do everything to make sure he never lost Pharma ever again.

There was no question that Wheeljack had been excessively reckless when it came to that rescue mission.  It had cost them the seeker medic, but Ratchet had been brought home.. safe and sound.  Safe, but badly in need of a medic himself.  Pharma had only had time to repair Ratchet's chevron, and the thought of that alone instinctively led Ratchet's digits to the replaced piece of his chevron.  The only piece of Pharma he permanently had with him.

"Optimus..  Forgive my asking, but.. what took so long?  Five months on that ship, and I nearly offlined several times.  At least once by Tarn's hand, another by Kaon's..  So many times I felt I would not survive my captivity, and so many more that I lost hope of a rescue."  Ratchet turned to his friend with a dejected expression.  "Where were you..?"