Only You

[Ratchet]

Ratchet smiled back at Pharma, but the moment he saw the tears the smile quickly faded.  "Pharma.."  He reached up with a single hand, doing his best to dry the elder mech's optics with his digits.  It killed him to see his mentor like this, and he wanted to do the very best that he could to make him feel better.

Though even he knew that it was going to be a difficult process given what Pharma had been through.

"You really do?  It's strange.. really.  When he's around, I actually feel safer than I normally do.  Not that I don't with you, but.. you know what I mean, right?  It's like.. I know that he won't let anything happen to me, but I don't want anything to happen to him either.  I don't know what I'd do if.. that happened."

The seeker was right, however.  If he waited too long for the right time, then the 'right time' would have long since passed.. and who knew if he'd ever get a second chance.  Maybe he could just tell him.  It was only like ripping off a mesh bandage after all, and Primus did that hurt if it wasn't done correctly.  One of the added benefits of being a medic, but it didn't help him much when it came to love.  "You're right.  I'll.. I'll try to tell Wheeljack how I feel."

The younger medic listened as Pharma explained what he would have done differently if he'd been able to talk to Cogwheel about his feelings.  He hadn't quite realized that he felt that way about her, but Ratchet still wished that there was more that he could do to help.  "Maybe.. maybe one day you'll meet her again.  That you'll have the chance to tell her how you feel."

[Deleted]

The tears had made Ratchet brush at his optics. He leaned into the touch with an uncharacteristic need; it had been so long since he had been with someone he trusted enough to cry around. He needed this. He needed someone he trusted to let him cry. To let him grieve for so many patients, to grieve for the freedom he'd lost for so long, to let go if even for the time being, of memories of that face, that masked face and the energon-curdling red eyes that seemed to pierce into one's spark.

"He gives you the comfort to know you're safe. That's what you mean, right?" He whispered softly. "Makes you feel like he'll protect you through thick and through thin."

He gave a reassured smile. Good. Ratchet would tell Wheeljack. Ratchet wouldn't make the same mistake that he had made in waiting for the right time, the right place. Because those things didn't exist other than "not in the middle of surgery or in the middle of heavy fire on a battlefield".

"Maybe. But...if she's got someone I won't intrued. And if she doesn't show...I...know I've lost my chance. For all we know she's taken or dead..." Sure, he had faith but he also knew that it was realistic that Cogwheel could also have found someone else. Someone who hadn't been afraid to tell.

[Ratchet]

Safety was one of the best feelings in the world, and for Wheeljack to give him something like that.. maybe he really did love him as much as he thought. Pharma was right.. He should tell the Wrecker how he felt, but there was always that feeling of rejection that was stuck in his processor. Maybe he could find a way to ask Wheeljack without dropping any hints that the medic had fallen for him.

Ask.. for a friend? Over text? He did have Wheeljack's datapad number. That sounded like a good idea to him.

"Pharma.. You don't know that. While there's that chance you lost her, there's just as much chance that you haven't. I mean.. you didn't lose me, right? And I didn't lose you. Cogwheel has to be out there somewhere. Wheeljack was the one that told me not to give up on you, after all. He told me that you had to be out there if he could still run into his own friends from time to time. Please.. Don't give up on her. If we do find her and she's spoken for.. then you could always be friends."

Ratchet pondered for a moment. Maybe.. a change in subject could help relax the both of them. "What should we start on first in the medical bay? I don't know if you have any appointments or not, but we could always look at the Synthetic Energon formula I'm developing if you wanted."

[Deleted]

Honestly, Pharma didn't know that feeling, even now yet. Even among the echelons of the Autobot crew he didn't feel safe. It wasn't that nagging, persistent feeling of being chased. Not yet, anyway. It was that feeling that if someone found out about him, found out about his past, he was screwed. It was something he fully intended to keep to himself. No one needed find out he was behind the Red Rust plague at Delphi.

"That's true. I...hope to at least have her as an Amica. I won't bother her if she's got a Conjunx. That's her right. But I'll...I'll damn well be her Amica at the very least. You're right."

But he still felt that nagging feeling. What if she found out? What if anyone found out?

His digits flexed anxiously before Ratchet spoke up. "We should look at the formula. I don't...really have any appointments yet. And most folks tend to avoid me anyway. Then again, I suppose that's more because I look as severe and intimidating as any other medic."

[Ratchet]

Ratchet smiled a little as Pharma relaxed about the situation involving Cogwheel.  He could be happy just being friends with her, and that made Ratchet relax.  Knowing that Pharma could still be happy even if he didn't get the desired outcome meant that the elder mech was making a bigger step in recovering from his nightmare.

Of course.. that was just a small part of it.

"Thank you.  I have my notes for the formula at my workstation, but I haven't come to anything conclusive as of yet.  Everything I have tried thus far has only resulted in failure, but.. I think that the both of us working on it together could make a huge impact."  Technically, it would have been the three of them.  Wheeljack had promised to look over the formula, but Ratchet had also promised not to tell anyone about the fact the Wrecker was once a brilliant minded scientist.  Of course, the mech was still brilliant even now, even if he showed it in other ways.

Ratchet got up, walking over to his workstation before showing the seeker his work.

"I would estimate that the formula's roughly at 42% completion.  I haven't been able to bind the chemicals together the way I have wanted, and it doesn't at all resemble Energon."

[Deleted]

Notes. He had notes on the formula. Pharma rubbed his temples softly and gave a small smile. If only he still had some of his notes. No. No. Never again. He wasn't going to unleash that biological hell anywhere else that wasn't the Peaceful Tyranny. That was something he never told others, of course.

He would squint at the formula thus far and the notes of chemical structure. Something was missing and he wasn't sure what it was. "Hrm. Right now it seems more structurally similar to Nucleon, actually. See the double-bond here? That's a tell-tale hallmark of Nucleon, where Energon would have a triple-bond here."

His digits cupped in front of his face thoughtfully.

"Tell me, what are the properties of this if you've actually tested it on anything or anyone?"

[Ratchet]

"Nucleon?"

Ratchet hadn't even thought about it that way when he looked at his samples.  It was Pharma that had to point it out to him, but he could see it now.  "Well, I suppose that's a good should we ever be in the need of Nucleon for whatever reason.  That makes me feel better about not getting the formula down, to be honest.  Thank you, Pharma."  With that statement alone, he flashed his adopted sire a smile.

He tensed for a brief moment when his mentor asked if he had tested the samples of Synthetic Energon on anyone.  That was a horrible idea!  There was no telling what it would do to anyone, even if it seemed like a stable concoction.  While it was possible he could just get lucky, who was to say that he wouldn't offline someone with just a small sample?  That's what machines were for..

"Well.. I had no intention of testing it on anyone, but if it came down to it.. I suppose I would test it myself, but I'm not planning on doing something so asinine.  When I've tested the sample with my machines, it's displayed a boost in energy readings for a short time, only for it to completely diminish withing a short time.  It was like it never had power to run to begin with until I fixed it."

[Deleted]

"It is my sincerest hope we never need Nucleon. Especially any...modified form of it."

His voice had gone softer and quieter at that thought. In the wrong hands, this could even be modified into the super-Nucleon that was rumored to be in the mines of Messatine. He himself had considered making the closest simulacrum to it but...

No.

No he mustn't.

He mustn't, just as he must never recreate Red Rust.

"Interesting! Some sort of fuel efficiency issue, perhaps? I hope we can eventually perfect the formula." Despite his weary, tired look, this was definitely a point of passion for the Vosian medic. After all, if this ever did become a more perfect synthetic energon substitute, he would want to be able test it with his partial fuel pump; he didn't quite have as strong a fuel pump as others due to being both the donor and surgeon to a four-way fuel pump transplant.

[Ratchet]

Ratchet sighed, staring at the Nucleon that he had created.  "As do I, Pharma..  As do I."

In Pharma's defense, Ratchet would have gone along with any advice he had to give, even if it lead to a disastrous outcome.  He trusted his adopted sire with his life, and never once would he believe he was doing something that would harm them.  If the elder medic had suggested substances to add to the mixture, he would have added them without question.

It was for the best that he didn't have Ratchet unknowingly re-create the Red Rust virus.  The younger of the two would never have even known.

"With your help, I'm sure we can do it.  You've never steered me wrong before."  Ratchet smiled softly, just happy to even have the time with his mentor.  There were so many possibilities as to why the tests were failing, and it even could have been due to the lack of technology.  Human tech would only get them so far, and it was a miracle at all that he'd been able to build a fully functioning ground bridge out of it.

"We can take a break from the formula if you want.  Spend some more time catching up before patients start coming in?" 

[Deleted]

He swallowed. "Agreed." He then paused. "It's still possible to turn this into proper energon with the right catalyst. I just...don't know what catalyst."

He then gave a sad smile. "I haven't. Y-you're right." Deep down he feared that one day he would choose to steer Ratchet wrong. He could always feel that dark part of him rising up. The part that scared him. The part the sickened him.

"I'd like that." Pharma gave a relieved smile. That had broke him from his thoughts that ruminated toward the negative. "What do you want to catch up on?"

[Ratchet]

At least Pharma had smiled back at his words.  It was true that he hadn't steered Ratchet wrong before, and he never once would believe that the seeker would do so.. even if someone had told him that Pharma was.  They had an unshakable yet familial bond, and nothing would change the way Ratchet felt about him.

Ratchet moved back over to the berths, taking a seat on one of them as he signaled for the older medic to do the same.

"Well.. I know you don't want to talk about what happened, but.. maybe reminiscing on the good times?  Like how we met?  I know it sounds like it could be boring, but I thought maybe it could help relax you a bit.  I know you helped me a great deal in those days."

[Deleted]

Pharma was trying, honestly trying, to fight the urges, even now. His spark was rushing and for a moment he could almost hear the energon rushing from his pulses, making his helm dizzy for a moment.

He settled next to Ratchet, calming down slightly. He folded his servos in his lap calmly, lacing his digits together.

"Mmm, yes. The old days when I was a teacher. Didn't you have Strongarm with you at the time?" Ah yes, he fondly remembered that Ratchet often had to haul the femmeling with him to classes and how smart she was. "She still know how to operate a medical scanner?"

[Ratchet]

Once Pharma hopped up onto the berth next to Ratchet, the younger of the two found himself leaning against Pharma.  If nothing else, he did it to give the other a sensation of comfort.. not to mention he was one of the only bots out there that could get Ratchet this relaxed.

"I did.  I remember.. that we took a trip to Cybertron and I found her in the wreckage of her home.  I couldn't just leave her there.. and I was more than happy that you let me bring her along to classes and such.  Thank Primus she was a well behaved one, and still is.  She's off with Bumblebee's team now, helping to track down escaped Decepticons from a prison ship that crash landed on this planet."

He couldn't help but chuckle a bit at his adopted sire's question.  "She does, actually.  It helps since the only medic they have at their base is a Mini-Con."

[Deleted]

Pharma seemed to lean thoughtfully, his optics half-lidding cheerfully. He vented softly, seeming to relax for the first time in a long time.

"She was always a smart thing." His vocals were soft but warm about his "granddaughter" of sorts. "I bet they've been keeping her on her pedes?" His optics were bright with mirth. He loved to think about how much Strongarm had grown up since the last time he had seen her.

He perked up with excitement. "I'm glad we taught her to!"

[Ratchet]

Ratchet chuckled nervously at Pharma's question.

"Well, that's one way of putting it I suppose.  I've heard from her about her team multiple times, and they can get under her plating from time to time.  Doesn't mean that she doesn't care for them though, and it sounds like she's having a good time regardless.  I told her that if she ever needed me for anything then to just let me know and I could visit for medical attention if required.  They only have a mini-con conducting medical checks, and that wasn't even his primary function.  He was originally just a prison guard, but he does the best that he can."

The both of them had definitely taught Strongarm well, and it only showed the more she applied her knowledge to her team.  It made Ratchet proud the more that he thought about it, and he honestly wondered if that was how Pharma felt about him sometimes.  Here on Earth he could finally see the fruits of his labor now that he was no longer on Delphi and could work side-by-side with his student.

"Think you'll ever get into teaching again?  Even if it isn't a traditional school or anything, but more of a master and apprentice type of deal?  There's so much mechs and femmes could learn from you, and I really did enjoy your teaching methods.  I understand if you don't want to though."